Entry 66: No No No

Sometimes life is the worst. As I prepared for an amazing trip to Utah with friends, I forgot something at the house and turned around to get it. When I saw a lot of my best friend next door on a Thursday

morning, I knew something was going on. I Well, I got the news that my friend and neighbor Harold died prematurely. As I hugged Michelle his wife just saying no no no and held her face my heart broke. As I hugged her 13 year old daughter and told her I’d always be here my heart cracked more. The heaviness is insane. I don’t want any more people to join the young widow club. It’s not right. The community around this family is strong and generous and so multi-faceted that I have no doubt that everyone will make it through it even though no one will get over this. But as I sit here on this plane crying my eyes out next to a stranger, I feel crushed. Crushed for a life ending too soon. Crushed that I have to tell my daughter that another important  male in her life is gone too soon. I’m crushed for his babies. There’s no right age to lose a dad but seven and thirteen is too young or too old or just not right! I’m crushed for Michelle who I know will be stronger than imaginable. Who will navigate this grief with a badassness that she always possesses. I’m crushed for his best friends. I’m crushed for everyone effected by the ripples of this loss, who had to find out today, who were involved in any way.

It was an impossible decisions but our group made the choice to still head to Utah because we know the family is surrounded. It’s hard being so far away when I just want to be present. We also felt that Harold would want us to come. He loved hiking. So while out here I’m committed to appreciating the life I get to live. Remembering all the good about Harold. Grieving. Loving everyone close to me even more than I already do. Finding the beauty even in the common things of life.

I know I’m struggling to understand the purpose behind such heavy and sudden loss. Maybe there’s a reason I moved next door to the Skids. Maybe there’s a reason I’m supposed to be out here in Utah so I can come in as the second wave of support. Maybe there is a peace I’m supposed to find out in nature. I don’t know. All I know is that crushing blow is tough on everyone involved. I know this loss will be felt. I know people will show up and continue to show up on the days, weeks, months and years to come. 

I would love to see the interaction of Brian meeting Harold for the first time and thanking him for being so good to Harper. For excitedly giving her Christmas presents that he picked out himself. For ignoring a football game in order to play with her in the pool for hours even when I wouldn’t. For stepping up to take care of us by mowing the yard the day we moved in, randomly fertilizing my yard just because he was doing his, or just thanking him for sitting and having a glass of wine with me on my driveway while the kids played. I’d also love to see Brian give him shit for Harold wearing lightning bolt leggings during our hurricane party and actually thinking they were comfortable or tying up his lightning bolt tank for Cancer Smash and rocking it! 

I know I don’t get to understand the why. and I can’t make the heaviness disappear. But I do know that I get to witness again the overwhelming goodness of people. The insane generosity of a community. The amazing resilience of little kids. The fierceness of a widow doing whatever she can for her family. The grace of a community. And I get to be reminded to truly tell everyone exactly what I love about this every day and all the time. 

Entry 65: Two Years

My brain can’t really comprehend that it’s been five whole years since I had Harper. I think back to 5 years ago and just love the feeling of how close Brian and I were. He was all about this baby. We were finishing binge watching Breaking Bad. We were hopeful and so excited for the future ahead. When I would experience unexplained anxiety while pregnant he would thunder jacket me and just hold me as tight as possible.

I am not going to lie this past month has been TOUGH!  How has it been 2 years since Brian died? I need that thunder jacket more than ever. For the last four days my physical anxiety has been through the roof. It’s in my chest. It’s disrupting my sleep! And the things I do that work to ease it aren't helping and I just want that thunder jacket hug from my man.

Saying all that, we are so beyond blessed. We had a magical unicorn party with school friends then our adult friend. When our house is full my heart is so full even if I’m not engaging and just observing. Harper looked at me multiple times during her party and said, “This is the best birthday ever!” She is so grateful and knows just how much she is loved. Grandma got her a bounce house and GeGe and Bampy got her a cake that made her face light up.  As I hugged her at the end of the night I looked down at her and right in the middle of her new unicorn shirt that she had worn all day was a tiny stitched lightning bolt. I didn't notice it when we bought it or when I got her dressed in the morning, but there it was staring right at me at the end of the day right when I needed it.

Here is a quote our cousin shared with me this week: “The work of the mature person is to carry grief in one hand and gratitude in the other and to be stretched large by them.
How much sorrow can I hold? That’s how much gratitude I can give. If I carry only grief, I’ll bend toward cynicism and despair. If I have only gratitude, I’ll become saccharine and won’t develop much compassion for other people’s suffering.
Grief keeps the heart fluid and soft, which helps make compassion possible.”~ Francis Weller

I am in no way calling myself mature. We know how stupidly excited I get about otters, feeding animals, and children’s events. However I do believe grief and gratitude go hand and hand. I’m sitting here at 6:30 this morning even though I took the day off reading all of the kind things I screenshotted during our 11 days in Hospice. I’m crying my eyes out but also thinking how thankful I am for the community that didn’t only support us then but continues to day in and day out.

As I sit here tonight I am thankful for the lightning squad that filled my house to celebrate Harps and to love on me. I have so much gratitude. These people are hurting right along side me but stay there to support us through it all. My parents have been such a huge support too. I can't even begin to describe how thankful. And poor them! They get the brunt of my stress and anxiety even though it's not about them at all.  I sit here INSANELY thankful for an amazing gift I received today that made me cry so hard I almost threw up. Brian was the KING of surprises and bringing home prizes. My friends today showed up with a phone for me knowing how much I wanted portrait mode. They said they knew if Brian were alive he would have already given this prize. So world, be ready for those pictures for #fiveacious.

Right now I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to laugh. I feel like a crazy person even though I guess that's what you're supposed to feel like the day your baby turns 5 and 2 years after her amazing daddy leaves this place. I am thankful for my people. I appreciate everyone who reached out today. I appreciate how much my baby is loved on. She doesn't even realize how good she has it but I sure see it. Everyone fulfilling those promises to Brian and really nurturing his girls. So as I continue to ride this wave and be stretched by the gratitude and grief I carry, I am thankful. I feel loved. And I just can't imagine how happy Brian would be to see the people around us. 

Entry 64: It’s Here Again

I don’t know why I don’t prep for this month. I think I’m also focused on the holidays then on Harper’s birthday/the anniversary of Brian’s death, but I forget about this week.

My heart just feels heavy.

I find myself cooking dinner listening to my sweet baby play and make up all sorts of stories in the play room and I find myself crying at the sink doing dishes.

Yesterday my heart got even heavier. My friend’s husband died at a young age. She has two young boys. My heart feels heavy for all they will have to experience and face in the years ahead. Even though I’ve been there I just keep thinking, “I can’t imagine!” I feel stuck like I don’t even know what to do to support her. Weird right? After going through if I thought I’d be a pro. 

My heart is heavy for friends experiencing divorce and huge life changes.

My heart feels heavy because my besties have boyfriends and I just want Brian to meet/harass them.

My heart feels heavy for reasons I can’t even put my finger on.

But then I read my journal and realize what a tough week this was 2 years ago. I also think I typed a blog  on this day last year too.Today was the day I finally convinced Brian to go to the hospital to get some relief. Sad pictures show up on my Timehop of my man looking very sick. It makes sense that my body remembers this heaviness even if I’m not expecting it. Then I read this old January 10th blog http://notestojoan.blogspot.com/2018/01/entry-50-january-10ths.html?m=1 and realize it wasn’t only 2 years ago but lots of January days during this week.

 I miss companionship. I miss my person who cared the most. I miss not having to be 100% responsible for all things.

But you know what’s insane. God knew just what I needed yesterday. It’s like he’s stalking me just like my phone and my Instagram ads. As I try to self sabatoge and convince my parents to meet me for pizza, my mom gently reminds me how much better I’ll feel if I just eat healthy. As I walk up to the gym, my friend/coach is standing outside with a hug and listens to me be a basket case. As I’m eating dinner my bestie Dani texts me as if she can read my brain. And at the end of the night right before I fall asleep, I receive a text from a church friend whom I rarely text who said she saw me across church Sunday and I am a radiant person who lights up a room with my joy and life and love. I mean how much did God know I needed to hear that?!

So as I sit with my heavy heart and in my grief and in this stuck place of not knowing what I need or what to do for others, I hope what she said is true. I hope I can be that person. I have a lot to look forward to: celebrating Harper turning 5 with a magical unicorn party, going back to the mountain house with our people, taking a trip to Utah to see some of Brian’s favorite hiking places and places I visited as a kid. I have the whole year ahead to do new things, take more risks, and continue to enjoy just how good my life is. But this week I still give myself grace. Sit in the heaviness. Try not to eat pizza.  Remember my man who truly brought so much joy. And be thankful for our creation who begs to sleep with me every night, won’t say hi to my friends, but says “I miss Daddy” at just the perfect times.

Entry 63: I Prayed for You

When I look at my baby all I see is Brian. His antics, his facial expressions, him!  How could I not love her more than anything. When I hear her talk though she’s my little parrot. Squealing over babies, telling the puppies to HUSH!, and thinking everyday is the best day ever. I miss Brian. Like all the time every day. So does Harper. A few weeks ago she says, “Mommy I want you to get married again so I can have another Daddy.” Gah! Rip my heart out! She still remembers him every single day and talks about him in a way that shows she knows him and has her own memories of him. I couldn’t be more thankful for that.

But for myself there’s so much I want to talk to Brian about! I want to tell him Cally and Dodd got engaged. I want to Christmas shop for him and buy surprises. I want to talk football. I wanted him to be at that Jags/Redskins game with me and all the friends! 

Let me tell you what you shouldn’t do when you’re feeling this way and you randomly cry mid workout for no apparent reason...the answer is watch This is Us. I mean I did it to myself but geezum! A character who lost her husband is talking to a baby saying I thought it was an end but maybe now I’m just in the middle. Being in the middle is tough. I want Brian here to experience Harper’s cute as can be Christmas pageant. I want him to be here making decisions when she tells Santa that she wants a real live kitty and motorcycle. Seriously?! 

Tonight as I was hiding in the guest room preparing for Christmas, Harper calls for me. I slightly panic then remember I locked the door. Slightly annoyed I say, “Are you supposed to be out of your bed?” And she says, “I just prayed for you.” So I paused and went in and asked if I could pray for her. What a freaking great reminder of how we should be! I love my mini-Brian and am so so so so so thankful for her. 

Entry 62: Brian Newton Award for Excellence

Today was a special day.

Let's rewind for a minute though. You may recall me sharing that last year an organization called Florida Educators of the Deaf and Hard of Hearing (FEDHH) changed their Teacher of the Year award to the Brian Newton Award for Excellence in Education of the Deaf/Hard of Hearing. Last year they invited me to the conference where they gave the award to Brian through me. His boss gave a lovely speech about him and it was super great and emotional. A month ago, the president of FEDHH asked if I would be willing to come present the award to this year's recipient. Of course I said yes, how fun would that be.  He explained that I would come talk about Brian and the award, then the president would share the nominees and announce the winner.

Fast forward back to today. After the general welcome at the conference, it was my turn to talk about Brian. How do I summarize him without making the award all about him rather than the person getting it??  Well here's link to my speech.

My face when I was surprised!

After I sat down, they announced the winner and it was ME! I didn't even know I was nominated! They tricked me! It feels so special to know that I won an award named after my husband. He would totally be making fun of me and saying that isn't it crazy how he won teacher of the year his 3rd year at FSDB and it's my 11th and I haven't won yet? Then he would point out that he won this award before me too even though he wasn't alive!

When I just told Harper about the award. She said, "Wow, Daddy won it and you won it? When I grow up I want to win it!"

 

Check out that handmade pineapple vase!

So today was special. My heart is happy. Everyone knows how much I love my job and love what I do. It feels nice to be honored for it. Also a special thanks to Randi and Tracie for my surprise flowers and for taking pictures and videos!

Entry 61: Goodbyes are Hard

It's been a while so here are all the random thoughts from the last two months.

A fellow widow at church warned me that the second year of grief was more tough than the first and I thought impossible. The first year you experience all your firsts without your person. What could be harder than that?

Well, she was right! The second year has been tough. It still comes in waves but it's been more tough than I predicted.  The first year, being a single mom and doing new adventures ourselves was new and therefore fun. Well that novelty has worn off. I would like a companion to do this all with!  Recently on a Disney trip with Harper, I literally had to hold back tears watching a dad hold his baby on the Dumbo ride.

Harper gets it now more too. Like a lot more. One day, she cried the entire ride home from the grave saying, "the only thing that will calm me down is Daddy singing to me".  Her grief is more visible and evident. They talked about families at school and made a house where they were to put stickers representing their family inside. She asked her teacher, "Can I put a Daddy in my house?"  She also said to me this week, "When I see other people's daddies, it makes me think about my daddy." YES sweet baby. So much yes! I get it.  She still talks about him constantly but even she misses his presence daily.

This brings us to today. We drove Grandma, Sally, Brian's mom to the airport to start her new adventure living back in England where she is from. I am so happy for her and thinks she deserves all the happiness that a move to England will bring. But I am SAD! It was way harder than expected. Harper and I both broke down right there in the middle of the airport. She's another piece of Brian to me.  She's our family.  It was nice having her live so close. It was nice knowing I could jump in and help if needed.  I feel a huge responsibility to take care of her because she was one of Brian's "girls" that he always referenced in his blogs.  Now she will be so far away. We are totally excited for our yearly adventures we will take to visit her. And how cool for Harper that she gets to experience that?! Brian would absolutely love it. I am also thankful for modern technology so that England doesn't have to feel that far away. This is another time I wish he were here!

Even though this is all kind of sad, there is still so much joy. For example, Brian's birthday on September 7th was amazing. All our friends filled our house with loud noises and lots of love and my heart was so happy. But there was something missing. Something tall, bald and wildly inappropriate.

I got to go on super fun trip to DC and Harper got to have super fun sleepovers here. I got to be responsibility free for an entire weekend where the only thing I had to worry about was crossing the street safely. I've told a bunch of people it was so nice to have little responsibility because sometimes I forget how much I have. When I walk past a dead bug in my house and it's still there five days later, I am like Oh yeah...that's still me!  I got to go on this trip because of friends I get to have in my life because of Brian.

Lastly, my job is so great! I LOVE LOVE LOVE my students. They make it fun to go to work everyday. Also, I got to present to parents yesterday about literacy. As part of Brian's job he presented all over. He LOVED it! Maybe because he loved attention so much or because he was good at it, but either way, yesterday was my first time presenting in that capacity and I LOVED it too!  Would've been super fun for us to both be able to present together.

So although year two is more tough than predicted, there is still so much good and happy in our lives everyday. And even though more and more I wish there was a person to do this life with, I am beyond thankful that I get to do it with my Harper girl, the greatest gift. 

Entry 60: August 27th

So on August 27, 2013, Brian and I anxiously awaited our ultrasound where the tech would slip the result into an envelope that we would pass to our friend who was making fortune cookies for our gender reveal party a few days later.

Well August 27, 2018, at 2:30 I found out I am not pregnant.

You may be saying WHAT?!?!  Well let me go back. When we were originally entering the cancer diagnosis and everything it entailed, Brian and I knew we wanted more babies. We told this to Dr. B, our oncologist.  Harper was 10 months old and she was amazing and we knew we wanted more. So before starting chemo we met with a fertility clinic and made arrangements so that could be a future possibility.  A few times in 2015/2016 we tried some simpler attempts to get pregnant. They were unsuccessful.  Fast forward to 2016. We were in the middle of our cancer treatments, brain surgery was behind us, Brian was feeling good after whole brain radiation, and we didn't want cancer to hold us back so Brian and I decided to go ahead with a full IVF plan. We harvested eggs, made embryos, the whole thing. After an embryo transfer, we waited and prayed and hoped and unfortunately it didn't work. We were crushed and bummed but also super thankful for our Harper girl, that we had without a problem.  We knew we had one embryo left and could try again when our hearts had healed.  Looking back, I would've been 6 months pregnant when Brian died. I cannot imagine how much harder that would've made it for him or how much harder it would've made my grief.

When Brian was nearing the end, we had many deep discussions. One was that if anything happened to him, I was to use the last embryo to give Harper a sibling.  When he died I told myself I would wait a year before making any big decisions.  Well in May I decided to go meet with the doctors to discuss possibilities of trying with the last embryo. I told basically no one. It is super hard for me to keep a secret but I thought an announcement if it were positive would be amazingly fun and joyous, I also knew a lot of people would have many opinions about this because it is so unconventional. But also once you are pregnant no one can be mad about a baby no matter what their previous thoughts or feelings were. So I did it! I met with the doctors, started the meds, gave myself shots in the rear end. On August 17th, with lots of prayers and a whole lotta hope, I transferred that last little Brian and Karen embryo.

So yesterday, August 27th, at 7:15, I went in for the blood test. They said they would call between 2-4 with results. I remained super hopeful and got my hopes up a little too high. I mean maybe I was thinking of names and redesigning my guest room in my head, but I knew there was a good chance it wouldn't work. They grade embryos and if my first ones I used were an A, this one was a C.  People get pregnant from C embryos so it wasn't a waste, but I knew there was a chance of it not working. So at 2:30 my phone rang. Unfortunately the test was negative.

Of course I am sad, well crushed, well maybe even devastated. I went to counseling before making this decision. I discussed the potential grief reopening, or the feeling of another loss.  It was all worth it to me. I am sad that Harper doesn't get the sibling Brian and I had hoped for. It is just another reminder of the loss of the future life Brian and I thought we had together. Am I sad I attempted it? NO! Not at all. I would do it all over again.

I do believe God is protecting me from something. This obviously wasn't meant to be. Whether something was wrong with the embryo or something is yet to come along. I hope a year from now looking back, I will see the big picture. Like I said, the first time I would've been super pregnant when Brian died, so maybe this has its reasons too for not working out.

Things I am thankful for in all this sadness:

1. I had to stop working out to give the embryo the best chance. So for 20 days straight I couldn't go to my happy place. This severely effected my emotions, or maybe it was all the hormones I was pumping into my body. Nevertheless, I am so thankful for a place that does so much for both my physical and mental health. A place where you can't just fall off the radar. People are wondering where you are. Asking if you're okay. About to send out intervention groups to make sure you didn't fall off a cliff. It made keeping a secret hard but also made me feel loved and cared for. I got to work out yesterday because the news wasn't good and therefore have amazingly sore muscles today and it feels so good.

2. My Harper girl. I am so thankful that Brian and I were able to have Harper naturally without issue. I know so many people who struggle with fertility and my heart truly goes out to them. Not only is it an expense, the disappointment is even harder when you've paid good money and put in so much energy to hope for a baby. I love Harper. She is my perfect piece of Brian that is here in the physical form. Although I couldn't tell her why I was sad yesterday, she gave me extra kisses and love. She brings me joy regularly. She is amazing and I am so thankful she made me a mom.

3. Kathy Pyle, my reading specialist, mentor and friend, brought me just because sunshiny sunflowers and gerber daisies yesterday. She didn't know how much I would need the reminder of happiness. She does this random flower gifting often and I love it! I am thankful for Kathy's kindness.

4. The support I continue to receive always. I knew without a doubt that if I were to have another baby it was possible. The baby would know love. The baby would have my village. I would be supported by those around me. I wouldn't be in a lonely, impossible place. How lucky am I to know wholeheartedly that I would be supported and being a single mom of two would've been doable because of those around me.

Again I don't type these blogs for pity. I type them to show the journey of grief and because selfishly they help me deal with my emotions and feel better.  Although I am sad for the loss of what this could've been, I am reminded to be so thankful for what I have.