Entry 60: August 27th

So on August 27, 2013, Brian and I anxiously awaited our ultrasound where the tech would slip the result into an envelope that we would pass to our friend who was making fortune cookies for our gender reveal party a few days later.

Well August 27, 2018, at 2:30 I found out I am not pregnant.

You may be saying WHAT?!?!  Well let me go back. When we were originally entering the cancer diagnosis and everything it entailed, Brian and I knew we wanted more babies. We told this to Dr. B, our oncologist.  Harper was 10 months old and she was amazing and we knew we wanted more. So before starting chemo we met with a fertility clinic and made arrangements so that could be a future possibility.  A few times in 2015/2016 we tried some simpler attempts to get pregnant. They were unsuccessful.  Fast forward to 2016. We were in the middle of our cancer treatments, brain surgery was behind us, Brian was feeling good after whole brain radiation, and we didn't want cancer to hold us back so Brian and I decided to go ahead with a full IVF plan. We harvested eggs, made embryos, the whole thing. After an embryo transfer, we waited and prayed and hoped and unfortunately it didn't work. We were crushed and bummed but also super thankful for our Harper girl, that we had without a problem.  We knew we had one embryo left and could try again when our hearts had healed.  Looking back, I would've been 6 months pregnant when Brian died. I cannot imagine how much harder that would've made it for him or how much harder it would've made my grief.

When Brian was nearing the end, we had many deep discussions. One was that if anything happened to him, I was to use the last embryo to give Harper a sibling.  When he died I told myself I would wait a year before making any big decisions.  Well in May I decided to go meet with the doctors to discuss possibilities of trying with the last embryo. I told basically no one. It is super hard for me to keep a secret but I thought an announcement if it were positive would be amazingly fun and joyous, I also knew a lot of people would have many opinions about this because it is so unconventional. But also once you are pregnant no one can be mad about a baby no matter what their previous thoughts or feelings were. So I did it! I met with the doctors, started the meds, gave myself shots in the rear end. On August 17th, with lots of prayers and a whole lotta hope, I transferred that last little Brian and Karen embryo.

So yesterday, August 27th, at 7:15, I went in for the blood test. They said they would call between 2-4 with results. I remained super hopeful and got my hopes up a little too high. I mean maybe I was thinking of names and redesigning my guest room in my head, but I knew there was a good chance it wouldn't work. They grade embryos and if my first ones I used were an A, this one was a C.  People get pregnant from C embryos so it wasn't a waste, but I knew there was a chance of it not working. So at 2:30 my phone rang. Unfortunately the test was negative.

Of course I am sad, well crushed, well maybe even devastated. I went to counseling before making this decision. I discussed the potential grief reopening, or the feeling of another loss.  It was all worth it to me. I am sad that Harper doesn't get the sibling Brian and I had hoped for. It is just another reminder of the loss of the future life Brian and I thought we had together. Am I sad I attempted it? NO! Not at all. I would do it all over again.

I do believe God is protecting me from something. This obviously wasn't meant to be. Whether something was wrong with the embryo or something is yet to come along. I hope a year from now looking back, I will see the big picture. Like I said, the first time I would've been super pregnant when Brian died, so maybe this has its reasons too for not working out.

Things I am thankful for in all this sadness:

1. I had to stop working out to give the embryo the best chance. So for 20 days straight I couldn't go to my happy place. This severely effected my emotions, or maybe it was all the hormones I was pumping into my body. Nevertheless, I am so thankful for a place that does so much for both my physical and mental health. A place where you can't just fall off the radar. People are wondering where you are. Asking if you're okay. About to send out intervention groups to make sure you didn't fall off a cliff. It made keeping a secret hard but also made me feel loved and cared for. I got to work out yesterday because the news wasn't good and therefore have amazingly sore muscles today and it feels so good.

2. My Harper girl. I am so thankful that Brian and I were able to have Harper naturally without issue. I know so many people who struggle with fertility and my heart truly goes out to them. Not only is it an expense, the disappointment is even harder when you've paid good money and put in so much energy to hope for a baby. I love Harper. She is my perfect piece of Brian that is here in the physical form. Although I couldn't tell her why I was sad yesterday, she gave me extra kisses and love. She brings me joy regularly. She is amazing and I am so thankful she made me a mom.

3. Kathy Pyle, my reading specialist, mentor and friend, brought me just because sunshiny sunflowers and gerber daisies yesterday. She didn't know how much I would need the reminder of happiness. She does this random flower gifting often and I love it! I am thankful for Kathy's kindness.

4. The support I continue to receive always. I knew without a doubt that if I were to have another baby it was possible. The baby would know love. The baby would have my village. I would be supported by those around me. I wouldn't be in a lonely, impossible place. How lucky am I to know wholeheartedly that I would be supported and being a single mom of two would've been doable because of those around me.

Again I don't type these blogs for pity. I type them to show the journey of grief and because selfishly they help me deal with my emotions and feel better.  Although I am sad for the loss of what this could've been, I am reminded to be so thankful for what I have.

Entry 59: 1 Year + 7 Months

I am a glutton for punishment and when I am feeling sad I do things like look through Brian's Instagram or read my own blogs or his.  Currently I have been feeling sadder than normal again. Feeling a weight of sadness that won't go away. Loneliness returned even though nothing has changed. The crazy thing is when reading back on my last two August blogs from last year, I had the EXACT same feelings. Maybe this is the post-summer slump. Maybe this is hard because it was a time in 2016 when Brian felt so well.  Maybe it's just hard because grief is hard. 

Here is his last blog from September of 2016 http://illswallowpoisonuntiligrowimmune.blogspot.com/  It's amazing the hope we had and all the things we looked forward to and got to do.

We got to celebrate Halloween, go on a trip with my whole family to Disney in fall, we celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas too, and celebrated Harper's 3rd birthday even if it was in Hospice. I am thankful for those times but maybe that is why this season is always so hard. It is two weeks until his birthday. I would already be scheming and planning fun gifts or a fun surprise. I just miss him tons especially now. I see him everywhere. In that nurse at the ER, in the face of our amazing daughter who has his sense of humor and his need to constantly mess with me. I see him in our friends. I see him when I walk past the lockers in my school that still have the lightning bolt stickers from the students who knew him and wanted to support me. I am thankful for all of this. I love to remember him. I am insanely thankful for the memories. Wish we were making new ones all together but forever grateful for the ones we made and especially the ones Harper remembers herself.

References:
Sad blog from August last year: http://notestojoan.blogspot.com/2017/08/entry-40-ugly-and-real.html
http://notestojoan.blogspot.com/2017/08/entry-39-seven-months.html

Entry 58: Another loss

Unfortunately today, our family faced another loss. Roger, Brian's step-dad passed away last night in his sleep most likely from diabetes complications. I am heartbroken. I will miss the man who had a corny joke for every topic imaginable.  This all makes me just want Brian. I am so sad for Sally. We are spending the weekend together but I cannot imagine the amount of loss and grief she feels. Its unfathomable. I am sad because Brian would know what to say or do or even if he didn't both Sally and I would feel better with him here. I am sad because Sally should not have to deal with loss so close together. I am sad because I want to do and fix all things and know I can't.  I am sad because again I will have to explain to Harper the loss of her Papa Rog (she doesn't know yet because I want to tell her in person). Rog was always good for a good laugh, making the best faces in pictures, professing his love for Sally, and enjoying a meal out together.

This week also comes with two more stories:

1. First story: Last Saturday night I went to the Live/Counting Crows concert.  It was a last minute decision so no one could go with me, so I brought Harper.  Brian got me hooked on Counting Crows but would never take me to a concert because he said they weren't great in concert.  Well I went anyways. And I cried! At a rock concert I cried. Because as I sat there with my daughter at a concert that Brian should be at with us, the lead singer of Live came out wearing a lightning bolt shirt. The exact lightning bolt of our tattoos. I could barely watch him because he was bald and charismatic and wearing a lightning bolt shirt. I loved it! It felt like a sign.

2. Second story: Sally, Brian's mom, called me Tuesday evening and was on her way to the emergency room because Roger, her husband, had a seizure caused by low blood sugar. While there tons of nurses, paramedics, and doctors came in and out of the room.  By the time I got there Roger was back to his normal self and eating a sandwich and making corny jokes about seizures. The last nurse in the room came in and made a joke about Roger and his beautiful wife that he couldn't stop talking about before we got there. This nurse was so kind and sweet. During the 10 minute interaction in his room, she learned that Brian had died. A few minutes after finding out, after a few more jokes with Rog, she looked over and said, "You're an amazing person to still be so involved with this family." To me it's like DUH of course I am, but it was sweet of her to say.  As I am waiting in the hall for Roger to get reading to leave, she comes out of his room and gives me a hug. Not just any hug. Like the hugest squeeze and she doesn't let go.  I calmly said, you are going to make me cry. To which she says, "This is me loving the person you are. Loving your soul and recognizing the good person you are."  So naturally I bawled my eyes out when I got in the car, but again I feel like it was a sign or a Brian hug or whatever! I wish I knew her name or could thank her. She truly touched me.


I am thankful for these signs especially when my heart feels so emotional and the week is so hard. I also now REALLY wish I could peek into heaven. I am beyond thankful for our village. I am thankful for people who say the right things at just the right time. I am so thankful my parents live here and Tori jumps in to help without even being asked.   I am thankful for Pastor Larry. Although it's sad, I am appreciative of my experience with death and being able to help as much as I can in a situation that is just so hard. Send all the love and prayers.

Entry 57: 1 year + 6 months

It has been a year and half. Such a long time. The more time that passes the farther away Brian feels. Although we still talk about him daily, he seems so far.

So what is grief like now?

There was one late night last week when I just missed him so I decided to look back at pictures. I went through his Instagram. I knew he always bragged about Harper on there but I didn't realize how much he also gave me love. So that night I had a real good cry. I am so thankful for social media and the reminders of his love and words.

Sitting in church today I almost cried again. Music gets me and I just miss him.

Grief is weird because I don't cry as long or as often but I still miss him like crazy. The cries feel great but also remind me just what I am missing. I know so many other people think about him all the time too and that fills my heart. Harper talks about him constantly with her own very specific memories. She also cries for him but mostly only when she is already crying for being in trouble. (Manipulative like her Daddy!)

Here's what I miss:

• His physical presence. His tough. His hugs. His spot on the couch.
• His spontaneous ridiculousness whether it be Facebook poems/hacks or just wild inappropriateness at any given time.
• Harper having her Daddy and sharing the amazingness of what we create together with him.
• Filling him in on the daily details of life that no one else really cares about.

Here's what I am thankful for:

• Our lives are INCREDIBLY blessed. We've been so busy this summer making memories,
  
  having fun, going on trips, and making all of our own decisions.
• My people! I love the people in my life and am so thankful for all they give to us.
• That my mom and dad live here! It's been amazing!
• I've said this a million times, but I am thankful that I have a love so good that it's so hard to be without it.
• Our story, Brian's story still impacts people. Someone recently reached out and shared that because of my transparency they are able to help someone going through a tough situation.  It makes me feel good to know there is still purpose. I mean I have learned SO much but I love that it still reaches others. Here's a little bit of what she texted, "and even though I kept up with your journey from afar, I feel like somehow God used your story to help me love on her and support her."  She went on to say, "So I wanted to share and remind you that your story has such a ripple effect!!!! Sending you love today." 

How amazing is that? How can I feel too sad when this is what is still happening a year and a half later?

Here are things I wonder:

• How can I make sure I never forget all the tiny little details of Brian?
• What does he see and know now?
• What does our future life look like?
• What is going on in the NFL (he always told me all the things)?
• What would he make fun of me most for right now?

Love you all! 

Entry 56: Donuts with Dad

So every time I use the word my husband with people who don't know me or my story, I feel like I need to follow it with but he died. It's silly and I don't know why it's a thing but after working camp all week with new students and new interns, I found myself talking about Brian a lot but felt weird not giving them the whole story. This is just a random widow thought.

Anyways every though last year was our first Father's Day without Brian, we were at his family reunion surrounded by so many that there wasn't a big impact. Harper changed schools this fall, and this May there was a Muffins with Mom event. These events are so cute and so sweet and short and involve the children making a prize for you.   It made me realize there was going to be a potential for a Dad's event.  Harper's teachers have been incredible. They don't balk with she goes into a conversation about death after a class caterpillar died. They don't hesitate to have hard conversations with me regarding grief if necessary. And when I was about to try to broach the subject of Father's Day with her teacher, she said, Harper still has a Dad and we will make stuff for him and celebrate him. How perfect and wonderful was that answer. She does still have a dad but not one that could physically be present for Donuts with Dad. Now I may have thought in the younger ages it wouldn't matter as much to not have a representative at such an event but then you realize that peer pressure starts YOUNG! Harper needs to pack a certain stuffed animal because so and so friend brought hers to school the day before. Another mom told me they had to buy a thermos and pack soup because Harper has a thermos and soup. So I figured sending Bampy would be a great solution. Behind the scenes the boys were already making plans of their own to come be with Harper.

Two years ago we found out Brian had cancer back on the brain. It was devastating. We also found out the typical survival rate for someone with his stage of cancer. We both cried sitting in the recliners waiting to meet with more doctors. If we matched the statistic, Harper would be 5 years old. It was unfathomable. It was gut-wrenching. It was a super big low in our entire cancer rollercoaster.  As we processed the information we dealt with it the way we dealt with everything. With the hope that we were better than any statistic and that our case would be different. Around this time too, Brian met individually with his guy friends. His biggest fear was leaving Harper and me. I don't know the details of these conversations but I do know he asked them to look out for us. And man have they gone above and beyond. They were some of the first people to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. They will come running anytime I ask. They care.

So when I told Harper she would have 4 people with her, she said, "But what if my teacher gets mad?" Then is progressed to "Why not 5 people?"  (She's not spoiled at all.)

So today as I am working camp, I get pictures from her teachers and they guys of Harper enjoying her crew at Donuts with Dad.  My heart is so full and I feel so incredibly happy. My child is so loved and knows it. Although she may not realize it now, she will one day see how her Daddy's best friends were there for her and made such a huge statement at her first "dad" event without a physical dad present. Brian is beaming, I just know it. He
picked the best people to surround himself with and I am so thankful they are now mine. These boys are going above and beyond to fulfill their promise and I couldn't feel more loved. My heart is so full!

Entry 55: Life Keeps Going

After an amazingly happy weekend filled with lots of laughs, late nights, sun, relaxation and a sailboat my heart was exploding with thankfulness and happiness for this amazing life I am living. In the same sense though it's amazing how fast life keeps going. But it feels like losing Brian all over again. The loss feels very real again today for no specific reason. Is it because my heart experienced such happiness? Is it because it is summer and I have more time to slow down? Whatever it is, the specific details of Brian seem harder to pull out of my brain. He feels further away. My heart knows him fully and I think about him daily, but like I knew my brain would, it is starting to turn all the memories into pretty, little main idea marbles. So what do I do when I am sad and he feels far, we visit him.

After the grave, as we sit in the car waiting to go into the gym because I am always early, Harper suddenly starts lecturing me about how I need to not pack a certain type of Tupperware because "it's hard to open and we are working on learning how to open our own lunches, okay Mommy?"  And that makes me hug her sweet face and cry all over again. She is amazing. She is articulate. She hears every darn word that comes out of your mouth and every conversation even if she is on the other side of the room. We made his little girl and he doesn't get to enjoy all the wonderfulness of it. Who is going to help me remember the amazing details of her as life continues to rush by.

We ended the day with even more heart happy making memories. Dad turns 70 tomorrow and we got to celebrate with him. We got to take him to dinner and out for ice cream. How amazing is it that Mom and Dad live in St. Augustine?!?  I know life is going to continue to keep going. And I am going to continue to feel so happy and grateful for all I have.
But I am also always going to miss Brian. What he meant to me. How he made me feel as a person. How he brought me so much joy. And how easy it was to just be me and feel completely loved. I wish he didn't feel so far away.

Entry 54: 1 year + 3 months + 3 days

So here I sit, on the couch with my little love watching some god awful children’s show on Netflix and I’m overwhelmed by the huge void. Life is amazing. My job is awesome, I love my friends, my parents live here and aren’t hating it, I’m as busy as ever, financially I feel stable, and I’m healthier than ever, yet there is a void. Although I cry less, I miss Brian something fierce.

It’s nothing tangible, it’s more like why don’t I feel 100% satisified right now?? Everything is in place. There’s no huge stress or worry. My routine is working out great and Harper is doing wonderfully...I mean as wonderfully as a sassy 4 year old with Brian’s genes can be doing. So what is it? I just miss him. Like everything about him! I miss someone texting me that cares about me. Not saying the people who text me now don’t care but it’s different. I miss sharing small details, gossip or big joys with him.  I miss remembering all the little details about him. I wish my brain was better like that.  I’ve only dreamt about him a handful of times and in everyone he’s breaking up with me!!! I had one this week, he breaks up with me and doesn’t care or show any emotion as I’m crushed! I’m sure there’s so much meaning behind this! I miss him. His touch, his voice, his big presence.

For Harper’s 4th birthday and the anniversary of Brian’s death, Brent wrote a book for Harper. At the time I didn’t give it the attention is deserved. Tonight I sat and read it to Harper. She was so involved and asked questions about every picture and shared her memories of them. It was incredible. I had to act out the part where when you insulted Brian back, he would touch his leg and say it doesn’t hurt here, then touch his arm and say or here, then touch his heart and say it hurts right here! Harper cracked up. By the end of the book I can’t contain my tears and my baby climbs in my lap and just hugs me. This last page, of loving enough for two. Gosh it got me!

Life is amazing just a little less amazing without him. My person.

Now let me end this with one amazing story of empathy.  Every year I assign a photo voice project at the end of the year. Students take picture from their lives, kind of like PhotosbyHarps. Then they pick 4 and write a poem, an expository essay, an argumentative essay, and a narrative. Several years ago I wrote my own poem about time.   About when you’re a child you want time to hurry up, then when I had a baby I wanted time to slow down then there was a stanza in there about after a cancer diagnosis not knowing how much time was left.   Fast forward to last week. My current students heard from my former students about my poem and asked to see it. I saw no problem with this and put is up on my SmartBoard. As we read it together, I was tearing up just a tiny bit. It hit me that I wrote the stanza about not realizing how much time was left just 7 months before Brian died. As I look up to make sure my students can’t tell that I’m crying, 4 of the  7 of them are crying. Visibly crying! People say how can you teach middle school!!?  This is how! My 14 and 15 year olds that have never met Brian, cried along with me over a mediocre poem with such strong meaning! I love them! It made me heart so happy/sad. That’s one emotion.

Brian makes it so easy to miss him! Now if he could just stop breaking up with me in my dreams and come give me a hug, that’d be great!

I am thankful for my life and what I have. This is not me complaining or asking for pity. This is just the expression of the huge void felt today. I guess this void is always here, but at times it is much more quiet. Today it is shouting, begging to be seen. Tonight I am again thankful for the baby we made, the village we have, and love so hard to be without.