Entry 45: Nine Months

During the entire cancer experience I was never overwhelmed with the feeling of why me. Neither was Brian which was remarkable. I know it would be easy to say why us? We just fell in love and had the love of our life. Why me? We truly never felt that. And for some reason it almost felt like there was a purpose of some sort in all of the craziness.

Well yesterday was Brian and my 5 year wedding anniversary and the first wedding anniversary that he wasn't here to celebrate with me. Leading up I wasn't too upset about the day coming up. My emotions have been pretty level. I had a great night the night before with a fantastic group of new friends who really make me feel loved and cared for instantly. Brian and I never did anniversaries big. We celebrated with small gifts but Brian surprised me randomly all year long to celebrate our love. It was one of my favorite parts about him. He was the best at random, unexpected surprises. And he got so much joy from surprising me. He also LOVED to surprise Harper. She could mention a character or show she liked and immediately he'd come home from work with Daniel Tiger figures for her to play with. We were spoiled regularly and randomly. So the anniversary wasn't dreaded.
Day of, as I was reflecting a little and washing dishes I won't lie, I thought to myself if a friend of mine loses a loved one I am sending surprises on their anniversary cause that would be fun. The next thing I know Tori walks in with a bouquet of flowers. I mean as I'm scrubbing the dishes she walks in with them. Amazing! Then the day took a terrible turn. The dogs were out back which is totally normal and we some friends came over so we did a dog inventory just in case because I never remember who I let in and out and when. There are THREE of them for goodness sakes. Well we search the backyard and Bella is on the opposite side of the fence, Macy is in the yard and Fletcher is no where to be found. We search for hours along with all the kids in the neighborhood. Fletch is nowhere. He is what I like to call super lost.

It has been almost 36 hours and there hasn't been a single sighting of that dog, Brian's dog. He had a seizure earlier this week which landed us at the emergency vet. Bloodwork all came back normal and he was acting fine later but now this has me worried. Seriously, on our anniversary, HIS dog has to go missing. Now I am SCREAMING WHY ME!?!?!?!?!?!?! I mean seriously, what purpose does this serve. To show me to kindness of others. I get it! I have been experiencing the insane kindness of others for 4 years now. Don't get me wrong, I feel insanely grateful for the people who are thinking and acting as I sit here paralyzed by sadness, worry and fear. I am thankful for my neighbors who happen to be police officers who take me cruising in their golf cart at night on every trail and in every part of the community to look for him with their police flashlights. The family with the newborn baby who made flyers and drove them over, picked us up, then posted them all while the only thing I did was hand them pieces of tape.  My best friend in Colorado using her Humane Society experience to contact all the right people and post in all the right places. I am insanely thankful and awed by the complete and utter stranger who lives in the neighborhood and used to work for a lost dog finding group in Pennsylvania who saw the info. on Facebook, is an owner of three dachshunds herself, and reached out and came to set up motion detected cameras that send emails within two minutes of motion detected. I mean seriously, you couldn't even make this stuff up if you tried to come up with ways to show kindness. But don't I get a break from needing it??  Why me?

This is an insanely large pity party post and I hate that too. But it's real and it's how I feel today on this day, nine months after losing the love of my life. Fletcher is a knucklehead and is always up to something but this is not like him. I hope to God he is milking some sweet family for all the treats until shelters open up tomorrow. But it be a complete lie if I didn't say I have a really bad feeling about this. To lose this dog in this way would be absolutely heart wrenching.

How do you just try to do normal things while your dog is lost? What do you do with the one food bowl that doesn't need food at dinner time? Why isn't someone asking me to play every two minutes? IT IS THE WORST. I have never felt so hopeless and that's saying a lot considering the situations I have been in over the last 4 years.

I appreciate everyone who has reached out and offered help. I have turned so many people down because I don't know what else there is to do. So you can scream right along with me, WHY HER?

I hope I get to look back one day while holding him and  say remember that time Fletch got away on that first wedding anniversary without Brian. Because if not who could honestly imagine losing your husband on your child's birthday then losing your (his) dog on your wedding anniversary. That would literally be too much.

I can't end so negatively, the one positive that is both sad and happy is that Harper is handling this exceptionally well. She is not distraught or beside herself. She says, "He's not going to be our puppy anymore" in a very matter of fact voice. Or she repeats what another kid says and says, "He's a really good hider." But her resiliency shines through and she is super amazing.

Entry 44: Like a Bruise

I have been thinking about this a lot lately when thinking about how to describe my grief. It feels like someone has a constant hand holding my heart. You know how sometimes when you touch a bruise it hurts but feels kind of good at the same time.  Sometimes a memory or a thought or an action squeezes my heart lightly and it is that good kind of pain. The good of having the love that was so good and the hurt that it is gone. It could be a sweet picture on TimeHop that gives my heart a little squeeze. Or it could be a hilarious Disney memory that Brian was part of. A friend reaching out to share a dream they had about Brian, naming your trivia team for name that Disney tune at the pool Bolts then winning, or the fact that getting grief cards have become a "new normal".  Whatever it is, the little squeeze reminds me of him, makes me smile or even tear up but leaves me feeling that touch a bruise, good kind of hurt.

There are other times where I feel that hand holding my heart just squeezes the heck out of it. Like one of those stress balls with the eyes that pop out when you squeeze it. It is like when you repeatedly bump your bruise into the same corner of the bed. It hurts like hell.  This happens unexpectedly too. For example, last week Harper says, "Mommy I need a new Daddy." GAH! Just rip my heart out why don't ya?!  I talked it out with her. In her amazing three-year-old logic, she said, "I don't have a daddy because he died so I need a new one."  This makes perfect sense to her. When a toy breaks, I always say, "It's okay, we will get a new one." When a cherished cookie is stolen by a dog, "It's okay, we will get a new one."  As I cried in the front seat. she continued to tell me about needing a new Daddy, and my heart hurt. The bad kind. The bang you shin into something super hard kind of hurt. I told her that she has an amazing daddy that loves her more than anything and I would like to keep him forever in my heart. To which she replied, "No! I will keep Daddy in my heart, you keep the new Daddy in your heart." Ha! With time to reflect, as I tucked her in, I was able to remind her of all the men in her life who love her like a Daddy. What a lucky girl to have so many "uncles" that truly show her love.

The joke at the end was.. "The opposite is Karen."

These tight squeezes of the heart come very unexpectedly. Today I pull up my vocabulary word of the day in my last period class.  Every vocabulary word has a video of me signing the meaning. I pulled up today's word and there was Brian. I filmed these words last year and have forgotten that he came in my room while I was making them and made a cameo in which he insulted me.  Seeing a picture of Brian gives me that good hurt, light squeeze. But when I hear him talk or see him sign in a video, it's tough. I miss him so much. So as my students learned their new word, and I jokingly called him a jerk for the insult, I couldn't help but tear up. One student said, "Are you crying?" And another says, "Shhh! Don't talk about it!"  How cool that I get to share Brian with them. He still gets to make me laugh in the middle of my school day. But man oh man the missing is tough!

Other good squeezes: My dad wearing Brian's yard hat to do yard work. My bestie, Dani, staying over to hang out and talk grief because we can and it feels bad/good even if it is a school night.  Happy memories of good vacations.
Getting a box of chocolates on my last cheat day, shaped like bolts.  TimeHop pictures that make me smile. Harper calling pictures of her and her Daddy adorable.  Harper being a creep and making crazy facial expressions just like him. Seeing a random lightning bolt on the bottom of the parade actor's costume even though no one else had one. Another friend wearing a shirt at a conference because last time she was there Brian made fun of her for it. A crazy ass dog named Fletcher who does ridiculous things to remind me that Brian raised him.  A fellow widow (ew! that word) at church reaching out to talk and support me.

So although some squeezes are more painful than others, I am thankful that my heart feels supported like it is being constantly held. And although I sometimes touch that bruise purposely, it is the unexpected jabs that get me to most. I am super thankful for a man that is this hard to miss. I am thankful that with his death, I have learned to cherish my time with those I love even more.

Entry 43: My Person

So I have been feeling really weird lately. Although I am busy and surrounded by people that care about me, I feel very disconnected from everyone. It is a very strange and lonely feeling. How can I be with people constantly and still feel alone???

When talking with my grief counselor on Thursday about it she made me feel less like a crazy person and simply said, "Brian was your best friend. You miss your person."

YES! This is it.  I know I miss Brian. I miss him all the time. Harper even said this week, "I miss Daddy super much!" Yes! Yes! Yes! But it is more than that. I miss MY person. I am a sharer and most of my friends know the details of my life, however there are really tiny things you want to share with your person. Whether it be something egotistical like look how good my back looks in these wedding pictures or a high five because in a matter of days the new methods for bedtime has been amazing for both yourself and Harper and it is a huge success. Brian was so amazing at being my person. He picked on all the annoying parts of my personality but secretly loved me for them. He cared and built me up constantly. He texted me even if it was to make fun of me or be mad at me. I miss simply sitting on Sundays watching football, doing basic chores, and trying not to nap during the Skins game so that a picture me sleeping with my mouth open didn't end up on Facebook.  He would grocery shop for me because it isn't my favorite chore.  He also drove me absolutely crazy with his stubbornness. But I miss it. I miss it all. When I see other couples instead of it making me sad it makes me insanely happy. I love that people get to experience having a person. It makes me remember how ridiculously well Brian and I fit. He will always be my person, I just wish he was here to do it. And that's the truth. I am a glutton for punishment and looked back on Hospice pictures. He still made me feel wanted in the final days telling me, "I don't like it when you leave (the room)." What I wouldn't give to be back there interpreting his signs, catching the random objects he threw and loving on him.

Our last selfie

My counselor also made this comparison.  After Brian's death my life is like someone played 52 card pick up. They threw the whole deck in the air and instead of trying to organize it by suit, I am just trying to figure out which cards are black and which ones are red.  I don't know where everything fits and she says my feelings of disconnect are just me trying to piece it all back together.

I don't really know my point except to say if you're lucky enough to have your person hug them a little tighter. Be thankful for them even if they are on your last nerve. And as I slowly pick up these stupid mixed up cards I need to be patient with myself. It is just frustrating because Brian taught me the importance of relationships and investing in people whether it be your regular grocery store worker, a best friend, or a coworker. He was the best at it and I want to be more like him.

Entry 42: Eight Months

As I was riding in the car with my besties yesterday on the way to the incredible Hiss Golden Messenger and Mumford & Sons show, a song came on, and I said this reminds me so much of Brian. My friend said, I'm sorry I will turn it off.  I was like NO WAY! Obviously my best friend was trying to be empathetic and kind by turning it off, but it made me realize how much I LOVE and appreciate being reminded of Brian.

Today marks 8 months. It still feel unimaginable that he was here and now he isn't. Yet, all the time I am reminded on him.  I love TimeHop and that fact that I take a million pictures. I love that daily I can see his face and a picture of a little moment that wasn't significant but now means so much. I am also thankful for my line a day journal that has all the minor details written down for the past 6 years. We rejoiced last year around this time because scans looked stable.

Tori stayed with us during the hurricane and she was looking at her TimeHop and from the backseat Harper yelled, "Hey! That's my Daddy!"  I just love the excitement and joy she shines when talking about him.  Today when I picked her up from school, her teacher pulled me aside and said that she had something to tell me. She said that she was discussing something and without thinking asked Harper about her Mommy and Daddy to which Harper replied something blunt and innocent like"My Daddy is dead". Just like my friend in the car, I told her teacher to please not feel bad. This is part of Harper's life. She will forever experience having to talk about her daddy even though he isn't living anymore. But it's also great because she will get those reminders too. She will get chances to say my Daddy is dead but he always made funny faces....or whatever other memory she likes to share.

The craziest part of today was sitting with Mom and Harper at Cracker Barrel and looking up and realizing at the table behind us was one of his Hospice nurses. Although that time was insanely difficult and I can remember details like it was yesterday, I couldn't recall this woman's name, but I was insanely thankful of the reminder of the amazing care, the peace that filled that room for so many days, and the sign that even if I am not trying I will always think about Brian.

Every time I see a roach I am reminded. Anything related to football and I am reminded.  Stories from the people who knew him the most and I am reminded. Harper's crazy antics when trying to avoid bed and all I can see his him, I am reminded. Harper yells randomly...A LIGHTNING BOLT FOR MY DADDY and I look over at a random scooter parked at the gym and I am reminded.

So at 8 months, my grief seems back under control. We are all settled into the new house. And most of all, I am thankful for the times I get to say...oh that reminds me of him.

Entry 41: Happy Birthday

 As I walked down stairs this morning there was a half dead cockroach on his back in the kitchen. As in the middle of thinking...ugh! Why do I have roaches....I started laughing! If you remember from a previous blog Brian always sent dead roaches as a delivery to my classroom with students when we both taught in the middle school. I was not the only receiver of roaches. Others were blessed with these special gifts. So on the day of his birth, it is only appropriate that a roach gave me a reminder of my silly husband.

And although it feels like crazytown right now and the hurricane has made my "singleness" very apparent when I am the sole person making very important decisions for my family, I am happy to celebrate Brian today.   I read this great article that was circulating recently on grief [https://www.thriveglobal.com/stories/12245-grief-isn-t-something-to-get-over?utm_source=Arianna&utm_medium=Facebook].  I love how it makes me feel about my grief. I remember vividly one night as Pastor Larry was leaving Hospice he said to me, "You will never get over this, but you will get through it." He is so right.  The article says, "One of the reasons that grief happens to be triggered by external reminders, such as in anniversary reactions, is because grief is an emotion that sends a vague alert to help you to remember, rather than to forget." Yes! This! This is why I celebrate Brian today. I don't want to forget. I want to always remember his wildly inappropriate, fun, loving, generous, hilarious soul. I don't ever want to get over him.

The day started with waking up and crying happy tears reading others happy birthday posts to Brian. Next, Harper went to her room to get dressed. This is a common occurrence and she normally comes out with the craziest of outfits. Not today! She came out wearing a bolt shirt and matching pants. A birthday miracle!  After breakfast and hurricane prep with the fram, I got a gift on Brian's birthday! My talented friend Trey brought over tables that he handcrafted for our family room. I love that I will be able to look at the tables and remember they were given to us on Brian's birthday. Also both Trey and Suzy showed up in lightning bolt shirts.
Then after a great counseling session, we all met at Brian's grave for cupcakes and singing of the happy birthday song, followed by pizza at our house.  It was such a great way to smile and celebrate our man, Brian surrounded by people who love him.  It was also an incredible to get texts and love from new friends that never knew Brian but say things like, "I didn't know him, but I am sad that I didn't! I feel like I missed out majorly." How amazing is that to have new friends in our lives that send that kind of love.

So although I feel in a pretty stable place today emotionally on an anniversary, I know I am nowhere near out of the waters of grief.  As my friend Sarah shared with me from this article,  [https://www.good.is/articles/best-comment-ever]:

"You can see them (the waves of grief) coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves."

 

 So I'll ride the wave where it takes me.

Entry 40: Ugly and Real

{I feel like I need to say it again...this blog is not to get pity or attention. I just need to get these feelings out and this is how I do it.}

So after Brian died, I thought I knew what grief was. If you were to have asked me, I would've told you that I was experiencing it daily. Although it was heart wrenching, it was manageable. When I rationalized "how well I was doing" I thought it was because Brian and I did a lot of mourning of the life we thought we knew when we found out he had cancer. We had many gut wrenching talks late night in bed where we sobbed and mourned for what may be or for the unknown future. So my grief after the fact was doable. I missed him tons but I could function and dare I say even be happy.

I was WRONG! Grief is terrible. If you know me you know I like to be happy 99% of the time.  When I get in a "funk" I like it to be short lived and gone before it can even be remembered. Unfortunately, I've been in a month long funk. I am sad. I am anxious for no apparent reason. I am lonely. And it sucks.  Don't worry, I still see my counselor. As she said, "Welcome to grief."  I want to kick my legs and say, "I don't wanna! I want to avoid these feelings!" Not because I don't want to miss Brian, I was doing plenty of that already. I just don't like the constant weight on my chest. Or the sudden tears that come from nowhere when someone asks me how I am doing. I feel like a liar when I say I'm good.

I am normally the type of person that looks forward to the next big thing on the horizon, and this summer I put lots of things up there. The lake, trips, family reunion, selling a house, etc.  I think moving into the new house and my friend Kate's wedding were the last two big chunks up there. Now  the horizon is clear, and  I am in the "new normal". I think that may be where this is all stemming from. Who knows!

I've also never been one to beat myself up for long or really think negatively about myself. Duh! Because clearly I think I am awesome. But lately I am in bed a night critiquing my parenting skills. Wishing I did better with certain interactions. I dislike this very much. It's not me.

I feel like I should sing myself the "Going on a Bear Hunt" song from church camp.  Can't go under it! Can't go around it! Gotta go through it! This grief stuff is real and totally ugly.

At dinner tonight Harper said, "I'm sad."  When I asked why she said, "I really miss Daddy. I wish he was with me."  I gave my genuine me too response when she continued. "I didn't get to say goodbye."  I quickly reassured her that she did and even offered to show her the video and pictures. (Thank God again for that great advice of letting Harper come to Hospice. At the time I wasn't sure it was a great idea for a 3 year old, but in hindsight, thank God!) She says, "I know I know, but I didn't get to tell him I love him."  I said, "Yes baby you did, want to see the video?" To which she replied, "But I didn't get to give him one more hug."  Damn! She begs for one more hug even after I have given her 10 before bed. She doesn't understand the concept of one more or last one.  Sad to say it annoys me when I am trying to get her to bed at night.  Not anymore cause yep. That's true. Me neither. One more hug in Harper's terms means as many as she needs to feel comforted.  How good it would feel to give one more hug.

A handsome picture of Brian just for fun!

I was supposed to work nursery in church on Sunday and I was not needed and was sent to service. Pastor Larry was talking about Daniel and relentless faith. The thing that stuck with me the most as I struggle this week, is how he explained that God doesn't love us so much that he protects us from the fires in life, but he loves us so much that he is there to walk us through them.

So as I trudge through this ugly, real grief, I know I am not alone. Not only is He with me but I am still surrounded and blessed with my community. Whether it be sunflowers for no reason from Kathy at work or a middle of the day email from Mom titled, "Proud of You", I know I am not alone.  As I was typing this exact paragraph I get a text from a friend that I do not talk to often that says, "You were on my mind as I was driving tonight...just wanted to tell you that I miss you and that I think your'e an awesome teacher, mom, and friend. Saying a prayer for you tonight and sending love your way." I mean seriously?!?! How much more perfect can that timing be. When I don't feel like I am doing that great at anything and the feeling of grief has me being extra hard on myself, these are the exact words I needed in this exact moment. I know I should ends with  some great quote like, "nevertheless she persisted" or "this isn't permanent", but all I can handle right now is singing, "Can't go over it! Can't around it! Gotta go through it."

Entry 39: Seven Months

Grief is real and grief is tough. Grief is real tough and for some reason month 7 has been the toughest yet. There's no way to pinpoint a reason or to even describe all the feelings. Loneliness even when surrounded by all the great people in my life, longing for connection, trying to figure out the new me, missing the crap out of Brian. All these things but still loving life and having fun. It's weird. It's hard. But light always shines through.

Listen to this story. Brian and I ate Chick-fil-a. A LOT! In true Brian fashion he over time started picking on one employee who was always so friendly. She would give Harper ice cream even if we said no. She was bubbly and laughed off all of his jokes so of course the insults got worse or louder in order to make her laugh more. This poor high-schooler being harassed by a MAN while she tried to work! She took it with smiles even if he would fill out comment cards about her.  Unfortunately Chick-fil-a isn't allowed on Whole30 so we haven't been in the store in a while. We've driven through, but haven't seen our friend, Kaylee.  Well when my parents took Harper for after school treat when they were babysitting this past weekend, in true Kaylee fashion she warmly greeted my parents and recognized Harps.  She then asked how Brian was. My poor mom. Poor Kaylee. What a shock. Well what do you think this sweet teenager did after hearing the news? She friended me on Facebook, sent kind words, and then flowers showed up at our house. Her card said, "Wishing you and your little girl nothing but smiles and happiness. I will never forget Brian and the insults that came with him. This ones for him." How amazing?! What an incredible girl. We are lucky because of Brian's ridiculous antics, he's touched such great people and pulled them into our circle. He was the light.

So in this tough spot of grief, I want to be more like him. And I want to know how to teach Harper the amazing empathy and maturity that Kaylee showed.

Seven months. Seven months without Brian. But also seven months of the most insane support anyone can ever feel. So although it's tough and hard, I have the most amazing support. In Option B she explains, "The two things we want to know when we're in pain are that we are not crazy to feel the way we do and that we have support,"  The support is unreal and I will never be able to show enough appreciation for all the love my crazy.