After an amazingly happy weekend filled with lots of laughs, late nights, sun, relaxation and a sailboat my heart was exploding with thankfulness and happiness for this amazing life I am living. In the same sense though it's amazing how fast life keeps going. But it feels like losing Brian all over again. The loss feels very real again today for no specific reason. Is it because my heart experienced such happiness? Is it because it is summer and I have more time to slow down? Whatever it is, the specific details of Brian seem harder to pull out of my brain. He feels further away. My heart knows him fully and I think about him daily, but like I knew my brain would, it is starting to turn all the memories into pretty, little main idea marbles. So what do I do when I am sad and he feels far, we visit him.
After the grave, as we sit in the car waiting to go into the gym because I am always early, Harper suddenly starts lecturing me about how I need to not pack a certain type of Tupperware because "it's hard to open and we are working on learning how to open our own lunches, okay Mommy?" And that makes me hug her sweet face and cry all over again. She is amazing. She is articulate. She hears every darn word that comes out of your mouth and every conversation even if she is on the other side of the room. We made his little girl and he doesn't get to enjoy all the wonderfulness of it. Who is going to help me remember the amazing details of her as life continues to rush by.
We ended the day with even more heart happy making memories. Dad turns 70 tomorrow and we got to celebrate with him. We got to take him to dinner and out for ice cream. How amazing is it that Mom and Dad live in St. Augustine?!? I know life is going to continue to keep going. And I am going to continue to feel so happy and grateful for all I have.
But I am also always going to miss Brian. What he meant to me. How he made me feel as a person. How he brought me so much joy. And how easy it was to just be me and feel completely loved. I wish he didn't feel so far away.
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