Entry 45: Nine Months

During the entire cancer experience I was never overwhelmed with the feeling of why me. Neither was Brian which was remarkable. I know it would be easy to say why us? We just fell in love and had the love of our life. Why me? We truly never felt that. And for some reason it almost felt like there was a purpose of some sort in all of the craziness.

Well yesterday was Brian and my 5 year wedding anniversary and the first wedding anniversary that he wasn't here to celebrate with me. Leading up I wasn't too upset about the day coming up. My emotions have been pretty level. I had a great night the night before with a fantastic group of new friends who really make me feel loved and cared for instantly. Brian and I never did anniversaries big. We celebrated with small gifts but Brian surprised me randomly all year long to celebrate our love. It was one of my favorite parts about him. He was the best at random, unexpected surprises. And he got so much joy from surprising me. He also LOVED to surprise Harper. She could mention a character or show she liked and immediately he'd come home from work with Daniel Tiger figures for her to play with. We were spoiled regularly and randomly. So the anniversary wasn't dreaded.
Day of, as I was reflecting a little and washing dishes I won't lie, I thought to myself if a friend of mine loses a loved one I am sending surprises on their anniversary cause that would be fun. The next thing I know Tori walks in with a bouquet of flowers. I mean as I'm scrubbing the dishes she walks in with them. Amazing! Then the day took a terrible turn. The dogs were out back which is totally normal and we some friends came over so we did a dog inventory just in case because I never remember who I let in and out and when. There are THREE of them for goodness sakes. Well we search the backyard and Bella is on the opposite side of the fence, Macy is in the yard and Fletcher is no where to be found. We search for hours along with all the kids in the neighborhood. Fletch is nowhere. He is what I like to call super lost.

It has been almost 36 hours and there hasn't been a single sighting of that dog, Brian's dog. He had a seizure earlier this week which landed us at the emergency vet. Bloodwork all came back normal and he was acting fine later but now this has me worried. Seriously, on our anniversary, HIS dog has to go missing. Now I am SCREAMING WHY ME!?!?!?!?!?!?! I mean seriously, what purpose does this serve. To show me to kindness of others. I get it! I have been experiencing the insane kindness of others for 4 years now. Don't get me wrong, I feel insanely grateful for the people who are thinking and acting as I sit here paralyzed by sadness, worry and fear. I am thankful for my neighbors who happen to be police officers who take me cruising in their golf cart at night on every trail and in every part of the community to look for him with their police flashlights. The family with the newborn baby who made flyers and drove them over, picked us up, then posted them all while the only thing I did was hand them pieces of tape.  My best friend in Colorado using her Humane Society experience to contact all the right people and post in all the right places. I am insanely thankful and awed by the complete and utter stranger who lives in the neighborhood and used to work for a lost dog finding group in Pennsylvania who saw the info. on Facebook, is an owner of three dachshunds herself, and reached out and came to set up motion detected cameras that send emails within two minutes of motion detected. I mean seriously, you couldn't even make this stuff up if you tried to come up with ways to show kindness. But don't I get a break from needing it??  Why me?

This is an insanely large pity party post and I hate that too. But it's real and it's how I feel today on this day, nine months after losing the love of my life. Fletcher is a knucklehead and is always up to something but this is not like him. I hope to God he is milking some sweet family for all the treats until shelters open up tomorrow. But it be a complete lie if I didn't say I have a really bad feeling about this. To lose this dog in this way would be absolutely heart wrenching.

How do you just try to do normal things while your dog is lost? What do you do with the one food bowl that doesn't need food at dinner time? Why isn't someone asking me to play every two minutes? IT IS THE WORST. I have never felt so hopeless and that's saying a lot considering the situations I have been in over the last 4 years.

I appreciate everyone who has reached out and offered help. I have turned so many people down because I don't know what else there is to do. So you can scream right along with me, WHY HER?

I hope I get to look back one day while holding him and  say remember that time Fletch got away on that first wedding anniversary without Brian. Because if not who could honestly imagine losing your husband on your child's birthday then losing your (his) dog on your wedding anniversary. That would literally be too much.

I can't end so negatively, the one positive that is both sad and happy is that Harper is handling this exceptionally well. She is not distraught or beside herself. She says, "He's not going to be our puppy anymore" in a very matter of fact voice. Or she repeats what another kid says and says, "He's a really good hider." But her resiliency shines through and she is super amazing.