Entry 43: My Person

So I have been feeling really weird lately. Although I am busy and surrounded by people that care about me, I feel very disconnected from everyone. It is a very strange and lonely feeling. How can I be with people constantly and still feel alone???

When talking with my grief counselor on Thursday about it she made me feel less like a crazy person and simply said, "Brian was your best friend. You miss your person."

YES! This is it.  I know I miss Brian. I miss him all the time. Harper even said this week, "I miss Daddy super much!" Yes! Yes! Yes! But it is more than that. I miss MY person. I am a sharer and most of my friends know the details of my life, however there are really tiny things you want to share with your person. Whether it be something egotistical like look how good my back looks in these wedding pictures or a high five because in a matter of days the new methods for bedtime has been amazing for both yourself and Harper and it is a huge success. Brian was so amazing at being my person. He picked on all the annoying parts of my personality but secretly loved me for them. He cared and built me up constantly. He texted me even if it was to make fun of me or be mad at me. I miss simply sitting on Sundays watching football, doing basic chores, and trying not to nap during the Skins game so that a picture me sleeping with my mouth open didn't end up on Facebook.  He would grocery shop for me because it isn't my favorite chore.  He also drove me absolutely crazy with his stubbornness. But I miss it. I miss it all. When I see other couples instead of it making me sad it makes me insanely happy. I love that people get to experience having a person. It makes me remember how ridiculously well Brian and I fit. He will always be my person, I just wish he was here to do it. And that's the truth. I am a glutton for punishment and looked back on Hospice pictures. He still made me feel wanted in the final days telling me, "I don't like it when you leave (the room)." What I wouldn't give to be back there interpreting his signs, catching the random objects he threw and loving on him.

Our last selfie

My counselor also made this comparison.  After Brian's death my life is like someone played 52 card pick up. They threw the whole deck in the air and instead of trying to organize it by suit, I am just trying to figure out which cards are black and which ones are red.  I don't know where everything fits and she says my feelings of disconnect are just me trying to piece it all back together.

I don't really know my point except to say if you're lucky enough to have your person hug them a little tighter. Be thankful for them even if they are on your last nerve. And as I slowly pick up these stupid mixed up cards I need to be patient with myself. It is just frustrating because Brian taught me the importance of relationships and investing in people whether it be your regular grocery store worker, a best friend, or a coworker. He was the best at it and I want to be more like him.