So after Brian died, I thought I knew what grief was. If you were to have asked me, I would've told you that I was experiencing it daily. Although it was heart wrenching, it was manageable. When I rationalized "how well I was doing" I thought it was because Brian and I did a lot of mourning of the life we thought we knew when we found out he had cancer. We had many gut wrenching talks late night in bed where we sobbed and mourned for what may be or for the unknown future. So my grief after the fact was doable. I missed him tons but I could function and dare I say even be happy.
I was WRONG! Grief is terrible. If you know me you know I like to be happy 99% of the time. When I get in a "funk" I like it to be short lived and gone before it can even be remembered. Unfortunately, I've been in a month long funk. I am sad. I am anxious for no apparent reason. I am lonely. And it sucks. Don't worry, I still see my counselor. As she said, "Welcome to grief." I want to kick my legs and say, "I don't wanna! I want to avoid these feelings!" Not because I don't want to miss Brian, I was doing plenty of that already. I just don't like the constant weight on my chest. Or the sudden tears that come from nowhere when someone asks me how I am doing. I feel like a liar when I say I'm good.
I am normally the type of person that looks forward to the next big thing on the horizon, and this summer I put lots of things up there. The lake, trips, family reunion, selling a house, etc. I think moving into the new house and my friend Kate's wedding were the last two big chunks up there. Now the horizon is clear, and I am in the "new normal". I think that may be where this is all stemming from. Who knows!
I've also never been one to beat myself up for long or really think negatively about myself. Duh! Because clearly I think I am awesome. But lately I am in bed a night critiquing my parenting skills. Wishing I did better with certain interactions. I dislike this very much. It's not me.
I feel like I should sing myself the "Going on a Bear Hunt" song from church camp. Can't go under it! Can't go around it! Gotta go through it! This grief stuff is real and totally ugly.
At dinner tonight Harper said, "I'm sad." When I asked why she said, "I really miss Daddy. I wish he was with me." I gave my genuine me too response when she continued. "I didn't get to say goodbye." I quickly reassured her that she did and even offered to show her the video and pictures. (Thank God again for that great advice of letting Harper come to Hospice. At the time I wasn't sure it was a great idea for a 3 year old, but in hindsight, thank God!) She says, "I know I know, but I didn't get to tell him I love him." I said, "Yes baby you did, want to see the video?" To which she replied, "But I didn't get to give him one more hug." Damn! She begs for one more hug even after I have given her 10 before bed. She doesn't understand the concept of one more or last one. Sad to say it annoys me when I am trying to get her to bed at night. Not anymore cause yep. That's true. Me neither. One more hug in Harper's terms means as many as she needs to feel comforted. How good it would feel to give one more hug.
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| A handsome picture of Brian just for fun! |
I was supposed to work nursery in church on Sunday and I was not needed and was sent to service. Pastor Larry was talking about Daniel and relentless faith. The thing that stuck with me the most as I struggle this week, is how he explained that God doesn't love us so much that he protects us from the fires in life, but he loves us so much that he is there to walk us through them.
So as I trudge through this ugly, real grief, I know I am not alone. Not only is He with me but I am still surrounded and blessed with my community. Whether it be sunflowers for no reason from Kathy at work or a middle of the day email from Mom titled, "Proud of You", I know I am not alone. As I was typing this exact paragraph I get a text from a friend that I do not talk to often that says, "You were on my mind as I was driving tonight...just wanted to tell you that I miss you and that I think your'e an awesome teacher, mom, and friend. Saying a prayer for you tonight and sending love your way." I mean seriously?!?! How much more perfect can that timing be. When I don't feel like I am doing that great at anything and the feeling of grief has me being extra hard on myself, these are the exact words I needed in this exact moment. I know I should ends with some great quote like, "nevertheless she persisted" or "this isn't permanent", but all I can handle right now is singing, "Can't go over it! Can't around it! Gotta go through it."
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