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I have been thinking about Brian a lot more lately. Like non-stop. He is in my head. I think of memories. I think of feelings. I just think of him. It could be while I am cooking breakfast. It could be because a student who joined my class in January and never met Brian asks to see a picture of him. It could be for no reason at all. He is on my mind more now than immediately after he died. Like WAY more. I don't know if it is because life slowed down, or my routine is more predictable, or if that's just what three months later looks like. All I know is there he is. On my mind and in my heart way more consistently than he was a month ago.
In Brian's blog a year ago today, he talks about feeling the best he's felt in a while. He also talks about how taking hold of his nutrition makes him feel. I can totally relate. I cheated one day on my Whole30 (now Whole80 something). I think I have felt the negative effects all week. Insane. In this blog Brian states, "Whatever I have learned, whatever I have accumulated in this life, and of course model love to her mother as I want her to expect when she is loved one day-all have to be communicated to her from me." These words touch me so much more now that they did a year ago. I want to scream to Brian, "YOU WERE SUCCESSFUL!" Clearly, Brian and I must have used words of affirmation as our love language to Harper because our three year old affirms me daily. She comments on my outfits. Out of no where she tells me I am her best friend and that she loves me most. She talks about Daddy nonstop. She has said some crazy things like he was shot or that he ate too much candy and became sick and died. These comments lead to amazing conversations with a three year old. But more importantly, she talks about why she loves Daddy. She talks about how much he loved her. She knows. I was worried and sad for her being only three and wondering if she would remember him truly. She does! She even talked about going to lay with Daddy in his bed (at Hospice). During that time it was hard for me to know what the right thing to do was as far as her visiting Hospice. Not only was I dealing with my emotions but then I had to ask myself, do you let your daughter see a dying person at such a young age? The answer is YES! Thank goodness the counselors at Hospice, my friends, and my mommy instincts led me to that decision. I am so thankful she has those memories of him in the end. So to Brian I would say, she has seen your love modeled. She continues to model it to others. She tells people they are beautiful. She even compliments me in the shower (super strange but loving!). I can't wait to see how she models Brian's love going forward. Harper, the affirm-er, the person making people feel special just like her Daddy did.
Now the second part of the blog that made me a total ball of tears was when he says, "I wasn't born to be a football player for the Redskins. I wasn't born to teach. I wasn't born to do my current job. I was born to be a father. Harper's father. For the rest of her life." UGH! Yes! Yes! Yes! And this is why I miss him so. He is the only person who will ever be her Daddy. The only person that will ever get it. I want to talk to him about her. I was his pride to swell when he sees how good and helpful she is. I want him to laugh when she holds up only her middle finger to show her boo-boo. Forever he will be her Daddy and she will know him.
These pictures are from this exact date last year. What I wouldn't give to be able to sit across the table from him tonight and see his handsome face.
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