Entry 3: You Watch

So maybe one important thing you should know about me is death terrifies me.  Even with a strong faith in heaven and God welcoming you into Heaven, I have fear.   Like the kind of terrify where if I lie in bed and think about getting older, I start feeling panicky and have to try to shake off the bad feelings by trying to sing two songs in my head at the same time. Try it. It's tough and takes concentration. If that doesn't work I typically turn on the TV no matter what time at night.

Knowing that you will understand the difficulty of The Watch.  Luckily, the loss I have experienced with grandparents never required me to do the watch. So I've been pretty protected from this.  So what people don't tell you is at Hospice is that you watch. You watch as your loved one declines. You watch as the jagged breathing begins and since you read the book you swear it is the end. You watch as friends hear the news and run in instead of running out (weirdos!).  You watch Monday night and swear it is the end. You watch the antics of your hilarious man shine through as he rebounds. You watch Wednesday night with more peace since he already fake died on Monday and you prepare. Then you watch as his true personality continues to shine through. You watch him throw things at people and continue to say he hates Victor. That's how you know he's feeling normal.  You watch your community come out in full force.    You watch your man because the beauty of sign language allows him to continue to communicate when it is too difficult to form words.  You watch as sweet sweet grown men breakdown, rub your husband with gentleness and kindness, and leave the room to try to be strong for me. You watch yet again a crash after 36 amazing hours.  Although these hours are amazing and joyous they are also a dagger to the heart because you know the inevitable is coming.

You just don't know when.....so you watch. So as terrifying as death is to me, I will continue to watch.