Entry 22: Three Months

Three months...a quarter of a year....can you believe it?!  It is so insane. Although I love my new routine and Harper and I are a pretty great pair, it doesn't mean I don't think about Brian constantly. I mean all the time. Like a bajillion times a day. These thoughts normally don't make me sad for the most part, but I do long for him. I wish he was here experiencing life with us.

I know I have said it before but I love how Harper talks about him. She told Dani the other day that she (Harper) likes M&Ms and Daddy did too.  This is not true, but how cute? She is talking about him to others. She still loves looking at the daily pictures and videos of Brian. She watched one a few weeks ago of us playing ball with her in her room.  Fletcher kept trying to get the ball and Brian kept saying, "Not yours!" and laughing at Fletch.  Last night when I asked what she remembered about Daddy, she said, "He plays ball and says ,'Not yours!'" So although her memories may be aided by pictures and videos, I am so so happy that she is able to add to the ones she already experienced with him.

Picture from a year ago today!

I tell you this because my biggest fear in all of this is not remembering him well enough for myself or for her. A lot of my life gets wrapped up into a pretty marble in my memory.  I don't remember all the details but I remember whether a time in my life was positive or negative and a few favorites but then it gets smashed into a perfect little sphere and is stored away. For example, my time in sorority, a pretty marble with some friends and events that stick out but the details are hazy or non-existent.  My childhood, a beautiful, shiny marble filled with trips and good times. But I don't remember all the details of all of our family vacations. Being pregnant is a BIG marble where I only remember loving it then getting a baby.  Others remind me that I did have back pain and such. Nope, don't remember, I just see a happy, shiny marble.  I DO NOT want this to happen to my life with Brian. I don't want him to fit into a marble that just shines positivity. I want to remember it all. I want every little detail not only for myself but so I can share them with Harper.  Some of these are preserved in my line-a-day journal that a friend gave me 5 years ago (THANK YOU JEN), but I wish I had a journal for when we started dating.  Brian was most sad about dying when he thought about leaving Harper at a young age where she wouldn't have real memories. I want to make sure she does!  When I told my fear to my counselor she read me this:

"We don't remember days, we remember moments."  CESARE PAVESE

"Memories are of tremendous importance to all survivors. They keep us going, give us strength, and can be passed on to others who cared about our loved one. But sometimes, we lose perspective about what memories are made of.  Those most prominent times that we recall with pleasure, tenderness, devotion, or any number of emotions are ones in which some particular word, gesture, or action embedded itself in our memory.  AS a result, we have carried those times with us ever since.

The most precious of our recollections do not cover long periods; they reflect, instead, brief moments we have selected for one reason or another from the broader segments of time we spent with our loved one.  We need not feel deep regret for not having days or weeks or months to fill our memory bank, when a few moments can stay with us forever."

So, I am trying to cherish the moments that stick out. Of course there were so many.  I would love to hear the moments you have stored about our Brian. 

Lastly at three months, here are some things that maybe some widows (EWW! THAT WORD) don't talk about but are still going through their minds.... like, is it okay that he is still the number one starred favorite phone number on my phone even though his phone is disconnected?  There is no "right time" to take him off that list. Also, what about my ring?  I am in no way shape or form ready to date although Brian tried to make me promise that I would. I told him thanks for the option but no promises. However, what do I do with my ring? I still wear it. Is that silly? I know most of you would say no, but at some point it needs to move to the other hand or be worn differently. That's just weird and feels wrong even though I know it's a "widow thing" and isn't wrong at all. Where's the book for this part? Although all of you praise me frequently, I do wish Brian could just text me once a month his rating of how I am doing and if it pleases him. I know he would give a big thumbs down to the amount of time I spend at the beach but other than that I hope he'd be sending a big thumbs up with a roach and/or poop emoji.