Entry 23: A New Word Needed

We definitely miss our mornings. Exactly a year ago today.

A few nights ago, as I looked over at the video monitor of Harper sleeping, I just felt an insane amount of love and pride for how awesome Harper is and how much she develops and grows at such a fast rate. My heart swells and I am filled with joy, then immediately my heart feels heavier than ever. This simple glance is a reminder that I wasn't supposed to do this alone. I'm supposed to do it with somebody.  And not just anybody,  my person.  Brian was MY person. And that person is gone. Although many people love Harper...like SO MANY, Brian is the ONE person that would understand my feelings in that moment.  He would get it. He would gush with even more pride.

So I think to myself, "Self? Are you lonely?"  My self then argues, "No! Yes! NO!"  Here comes the part where I need a new word.  It isn't loneliness. I have people in my life daily that love me. I am surrounded by them. I text them. I talk to my parents daily on the phone.  I have coworkers and students. I go to the gym and have a great community of people there. When I put Harper to bed at night, I am not sad or wishing someone was still hanging out with me. I look forward to my trash TV  and Facebook/Instagram perusing. Shoot, I even have three dogs in my bed and one or more of them is always leaning up against me. So what is this feeling that I can't shake?  Sure it is under the umbrella of grief, but it is something more specific.....what's the word?

I think about Brian all the time. It is hard not to. It's typically not with a heavy heart. But for whatever reason this week, I have this new gronely (grief +lonely...no?) feeling.  When I say I am not supposed to do this alone, it doesn't mean that the "doing this" part is too challenging. In fact, although I have to rely on my village to do many things for me, I think I am kicking ass at the single mom gig. Harper knows she is loved and vegetables and fruit attempt to make it into her body every day (Thank you Daniel Tiger for the 'You Gotta Try New Foods' song).  Being a momma is the best. She makes it easy. 
This week, as she scooted her stool next to me so that we could sit VERY closely during dinner the other night, I told her, "I just love you so much." 
She asked, "Will you marry me?"
I laughed and said, "Of course."
I then asked her who I married. She told me daddy. And I said, "Daddy and I chose to love each other forever."
Harper says, "I choose Daddy too."
GAH! Is your heart melted yet? It should be!

So even though I am the fun kind of busy and have seriously the best village out there, I have this new layer of sadness where I just miss him and want him and would pay a lot of money for his affection.  I just want to do this life with him.  A prayer I said a lot these last 5 years as I would lie in bed was I love my life. Thank you God for this!  After a body wracking cry like I had the other night after looking over at the monitor, I found myself still praying the same.  I am love my life. As my counselor would say, I just need to "be" with this new feeling. I am great at doing, but now I am just going to practice being.