This week is rough. And when I say rough I mean really tough emotionally. I am generally a happy person. Sure I get in an occasional funk but 48 hours is probably the longest it has ever lasted. Welp we are going on hour 71 of my current grumpfest. I am either grouchy or sad or both at the same time. I have less tolerance for things that bother me. I know this is bad and isn't how to handle things but I don't feel it's not controllable at this point. I stink at being sad. I am not good at it. I fortunately do not have much practice. I constantly feel like crying or not being at work even though I love my job. My kids are great, when I am teaching I feel good and distracted. They make me laugh. My boss told me how silly they are in the cafeteria and that their personalities are back and she attributes that to my return to school. All of this I love, but I am still just grouchy. Last week when I felt a little down, exercise endorphins gave me the pick me up I needed. So I was hoping for that today. Although during the workout I forgot that I was grumpy or my grouchiness was aimed at burpees instead, I still cried on the way home, like immediately after. I held Harper in the kitchen because she asked me to and cried hard. Then she lost it. GAH! ROUGH STUFF. I feel like being a single mom gives me less time to hang out with her and she is the best part of my day. Part of this is due to the exercise and cooking but this is what is making me feel good. I should also note I get in bed to wind down about 30 minutes after she does. But still...I just want to play dollies and hear the conversations she has with them. Today a dolly asked for yogurt and the other doll, Jasmine, told her "Mommy already said no." (That really happened with Mommy and Harper). Ha!
**I should note that Harper has been incredible! Happy, a good listener, loving on all the friends especially the guys. She needs to learn how to say goodbye or hello to people that love her or want to talk to her but we are working on it. But overall, my princess-loving smartypants is happy as can be.
My diet has a calendar that tells you how you will feel on day 1, day 2, etc. It is super beneficial. Today I am on Day 10....as you can see called the HARDEST days. This is not true diet wise but definitely is grief wise. I need the Grief 30 calendar to warn me of what is coming next. I do know everyone experiences grief differently and at different times, it would still be a nice concept. I should note that just now while typing this, I realized it has been 30 days since Brian died. Isn't that interesting!?
In all of this grouchiness the thing I want is Brian. When I was grouchy in my room during planning, I heard a man's voice and for a split second thought it was him flirting...I mean joking with someone in the hallway. It would always cheer me up when he would stop by my room at work. I miss those little things. I cried and couldn't get through the song I sing to Harper from my sorority days (don't be so shocked that I was in a sorority!) at bed time last night. Luckily she picked up where I left off. Even my "safe" show the Bachelor made me freaking cry this week. I haven't even touched This is Us this week. I am smarter than that. Nothing specific is on my mind making me sad. I can't pinpoint a detail or something triggering my sadness. And I think that's the tough part. No one can offer a fix. No one can take it away. I don't even know what I need so there's no point in even asking. I know this will pass but since I have been transparent all along, I figured I should put it down somewhere. I love you all and do hang on to the littler joys and big blessings that come our way daily. In closing, refer to paragraph 1. ;)
No comments:
Post a Comment