I am not going to lie this past month has been TOUGH! How has it been 2 years since Brian died? I need that thunder jacket more than ever. For the last four days my physical anxiety has been through the roof. It’s in my chest. It’s disrupting my sleep! And the things I do that work to ease it aren't helping and I just want that thunder jacket hug from my man.
Saying all that, we are so beyond blessed. We had a magical unicorn party with school friends then our adult friend. When our house is full my heart is so full even if I’m not engaging and just observing. Harper looked at me multiple times during her party and said, “This is the best birthday ever!” She is so grateful and knows just how much she is loved. Grandma got her a bounce house and GeGe and Bampy got her a cake that made her face light up. As I hugged her at the end of the night I looked down at her and right in the middle of her new unicorn shirt that she had worn all day was a tiny stitched lightning bolt. I didn't notice it when we bought it or when I got her dressed in the morning, but there it was staring right at me at the end of the day right when I needed it.
Here is a quote our cousin shared with me this week: “The work of the mature person is to carry grief in one hand and gratitude in the other and to be stretched large by them.
How much sorrow can I hold? That’s how much gratitude I can give. If I carry only grief, I’ll bend toward cynicism and despair. If I have only gratitude, I’ll become saccharine and won’t develop much compassion for other people’s suffering.
Grief keeps the heart fluid and soft, which helps make compassion possible.”~ Francis Weller
I am in no way calling myself mature. We know how stupidly excited I get about otters, feeding animals, and children’s events. However I do believe grief and gratitude go hand and hand. I’m sitting here at 6:30 this morning even though I took the day off reading all of the kind things I screenshotted during our 11 days in Hospice. I’m crying my eyes out but also thinking how thankful I am for the community that didn’t only support us then but continues to day in and day out.
As I sit here tonight I am thankful for the lightning squad that filled my house to celebrate Harps and to love on me. I have so much gratitude. These people are hurting right along side me but stay there to support us through it all. My parents have been such a huge support too. I can't even begin to describe how thankful. And poor them! They get the brunt of my stress and anxiety even though it's not about them at all. I sit here INSANELY thankful for an amazing gift I received today that made me cry so hard I almost threw up. Brian was the KING of surprises and bringing home prizes. My friends today showed up with a phone for me knowing how much I wanted portrait mode. They said they knew if Brian were alive he would have already given this prize. So world, be ready for those pictures for #fiveacious.
Right now I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to laugh. I feel like a crazy person even though I guess that's what you're supposed to feel like the day your baby turns 5 and 2 years after her amazing daddy leaves this place. I am thankful for my people. I appreciate everyone who reached out today. I appreciate how much my baby is loved on. She doesn't even realize how good she has it but I sure see it. Everyone fulfilling those promises to Brian and really nurturing his girls. So as I continue to ride this wave and be stretched by the gratitude and grief I carry, I am thankful. I feel loved. And I just can't imagine how happy Brian would be to see the people around us.
