I am a glutton for punishment and when I am feeling sad I do things like look through Brian's Instagram or read my own blogs or his. Currently I have been feeling sadder than normal again. Feeling a weight of sadness that won't go away. Loneliness returned even though nothing has changed. The crazy thing is when reading back on my last two August blogs from last year, I had the EXACT same feelings. Maybe this is the post-summer slump. Maybe this is hard because it was a time in 2016 when Brian felt so well. Maybe it's just hard because grief is hard.
Here is his last blog from September of 2016
http://illswallowpoisonuntiligrowimmune.blogspot.com/ It's amazing the hope we had and all the things we looked forward to and got to do.
We got to celebrate Halloween, go on a trip with my whole family to Disney in fall, we celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas too, and celebrated Harper's 3rd birthday even if it was in Hospice. I am thankful for those times but maybe that is why this season is always so hard. It is two weeks until his birthday. I would already be scheming and planning fun gifts or a fun surprise. I just miss him tons especially now. I see him everywhere. In that nurse at the ER, in the face of our amazing daughter who has his sense of humor and his need to constantly mess with me. I see him in our friends. I see him when I walk past the lockers in my school that still have the lightning bolt stickers from the students who knew him and wanted to support me. I am thankful for all of this. I love to remember him. I am insanely thankful for the memories. Wish we were making new ones all together but forever grateful for the ones we made and especially the ones Harper remembers herself.
References:
Sad blog from August last year:
http://notestojoan.blogspot.com/2017/08/entry-40-ugly-and-real.html
http://notestojoan.blogspot.com/2017/08/entry-39-seven-months.html
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