Entry 60: August 27th

So on August 27, 2013, Brian and I anxiously awaited our ultrasound where the tech would slip the result into an envelope that we would pass to our friend who was making fortune cookies for our gender reveal party a few days later.

Well August 27, 2018, at 2:30 I found out I am not pregnant.

You may be saying WHAT?!?!  Well let me go back. When we were originally entering the cancer diagnosis and everything it entailed, Brian and I knew we wanted more babies. We told this to Dr. B, our oncologist.  Harper was 10 months old and she was amazing and we knew we wanted more. So before starting chemo we met with a fertility clinic and made arrangements so that could be a future possibility.  A few times in 2015/2016 we tried some simpler attempts to get pregnant. They were unsuccessful.  Fast forward to 2016. We were in the middle of our cancer treatments, brain surgery was behind us, Brian was feeling good after whole brain radiation, and we didn't want cancer to hold us back so Brian and I decided to go ahead with a full IVF plan. We harvested eggs, made embryos, the whole thing. After an embryo transfer, we waited and prayed and hoped and unfortunately it didn't work. We were crushed and bummed but also super thankful for our Harper girl, that we had without a problem.  We knew we had one embryo left and could try again when our hearts had healed.  Looking back, I would've been 6 months pregnant when Brian died. I cannot imagine how much harder that would've made it for him or how much harder it would've made my grief.

When Brian was nearing the end, we had many deep discussions. One was that if anything happened to him, I was to use the last embryo to give Harper a sibling.  When he died I told myself I would wait a year before making any big decisions.  Well in May I decided to go meet with the doctors to discuss possibilities of trying with the last embryo. I told basically no one. It is super hard for me to keep a secret but I thought an announcement if it were positive would be amazingly fun and joyous, I also knew a lot of people would have many opinions about this because it is so unconventional. But also once you are pregnant no one can be mad about a baby no matter what their previous thoughts or feelings were. So I did it! I met with the doctors, started the meds, gave myself shots in the rear end. On August 17th, with lots of prayers and a whole lotta hope, I transferred that last little Brian and Karen embryo.

So yesterday, August 27th, at 7:15, I went in for the blood test. They said they would call between 2-4 with results. I remained super hopeful and got my hopes up a little too high. I mean maybe I was thinking of names and redesigning my guest room in my head, but I knew there was a good chance it wouldn't work. They grade embryos and if my first ones I used were an A, this one was a C.  People get pregnant from C embryos so it wasn't a waste, but I knew there was a chance of it not working. So at 2:30 my phone rang. Unfortunately the test was negative.

Of course I am sad, well crushed, well maybe even devastated. I went to counseling before making this decision. I discussed the potential grief reopening, or the feeling of another loss.  It was all worth it to me. I am sad that Harper doesn't get the sibling Brian and I had hoped for. It is just another reminder of the loss of the future life Brian and I thought we had together. Am I sad I attempted it? NO! Not at all. I would do it all over again.

I do believe God is protecting me from something. This obviously wasn't meant to be. Whether something was wrong with the embryo or something is yet to come along. I hope a year from now looking back, I will see the big picture. Like I said, the first time I would've been super pregnant when Brian died, so maybe this has its reasons too for not working out.

Things I am thankful for in all this sadness:

1. I had to stop working out to give the embryo the best chance. So for 20 days straight I couldn't go to my happy place. This severely effected my emotions, or maybe it was all the hormones I was pumping into my body. Nevertheless, I am so thankful for a place that does so much for both my physical and mental health. A place where you can't just fall off the radar. People are wondering where you are. Asking if you're okay. About to send out intervention groups to make sure you didn't fall off a cliff. It made keeping a secret hard but also made me feel loved and cared for. I got to work out yesterday because the news wasn't good and therefore have amazingly sore muscles today and it feels so good.

2. My Harper girl. I am so thankful that Brian and I were able to have Harper naturally without issue. I know so many people who struggle with fertility and my heart truly goes out to them. Not only is it an expense, the disappointment is even harder when you've paid good money and put in so much energy to hope for a baby. I love Harper. She is my perfect piece of Brian that is here in the physical form. Although I couldn't tell her why I was sad yesterday, she gave me extra kisses and love. She brings me joy regularly. She is amazing and I am so thankful she made me a mom.

3. Kathy Pyle, my reading specialist, mentor and friend, brought me just because sunshiny sunflowers and gerber daisies yesterday. She didn't know how much I would need the reminder of happiness. She does this random flower gifting often and I love it! I am thankful for Kathy's kindness.

4. The support I continue to receive always. I knew without a doubt that if I were to have another baby it was possible. The baby would know love. The baby would have my village. I would be supported by those around me. I wouldn't be in a lonely, impossible place. How lucky am I to know wholeheartedly that I would be supported and being a single mom of two would've been doable because of those around me.

Again I don't type these blogs for pity. I type them to show the journey of grief and because selfishly they help me deal with my emotions and feel better.  Although I am sad for the loss of what this could've been, I am reminded to be so thankful for what I have.

Entry 59: 1 Year + 7 Months

I am a glutton for punishment and when I am feeling sad I do things like look through Brian's Instagram or read my own blogs or his.  Currently I have been feeling sadder than normal again. Feeling a weight of sadness that won't go away. Loneliness returned even though nothing has changed. The crazy thing is when reading back on my last two August blogs from last year, I had the EXACT same feelings. Maybe this is the post-summer slump. Maybe this is hard because it was a time in 2016 when Brian felt so well.  Maybe it's just hard because grief is hard. 

Here is his last blog from September of 2016 http://illswallowpoisonuntiligrowimmune.blogspot.com/  It's amazing the hope we had and all the things we looked forward to and got to do.

We got to celebrate Halloween, go on a trip with my whole family to Disney in fall, we celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas too, and celebrated Harper's 3rd birthday even if it was in Hospice. I am thankful for those times but maybe that is why this season is always so hard. It is two weeks until his birthday. I would already be scheming and planning fun gifts or a fun surprise. I just miss him tons especially now. I see him everywhere. In that nurse at the ER, in the face of our amazing daughter who has his sense of humor and his need to constantly mess with me. I see him in our friends. I see him when I walk past the lockers in my school that still have the lightning bolt stickers from the students who knew him and wanted to support me. I am thankful for all of this. I love to remember him. I am insanely thankful for the memories. Wish we were making new ones all together but forever grateful for the ones we made and especially the ones Harper remembers herself.

References:
Sad blog from August last year: http://notestojoan.blogspot.com/2017/08/entry-40-ugly-and-real.html
http://notestojoan.blogspot.com/2017/08/entry-39-seven-months.html

Entry 58: Another loss

Unfortunately today, our family faced another loss. Roger, Brian's step-dad passed away last night in his sleep most likely from diabetes complications. I am heartbroken. I will miss the man who had a corny joke for every topic imaginable.  This all makes me just want Brian. I am so sad for Sally. We are spending the weekend together but I cannot imagine the amount of loss and grief she feels. Its unfathomable. I am sad because Brian would know what to say or do or even if he didn't both Sally and I would feel better with him here. I am sad because Sally should not have to deal with loss so close together. I am sad because I want to do and fix all things and know I can't.  I am sad because again I will have to explain to Harper the loss of her Papa Rog (she doesn't know yet because I want to tell her in person). Rog was always good for a good laugh, making the best faces in pictures, professing his love for Sally, and enjoying a meal out together.

This week also comes with two more stories:

1. First story: Last Saturday night I went to the Live/Counting Crows concert.  It was a last minute decision so no one could go with me, so I brought Harper.  Brian got me hooked on Counting Crows but would never take me to a concert because he said they weren't great in concert.  Well I went anyways. And I cried! At a rock concert I cried. Because as I sat there with my daughter at a concert that Brian should be at with us, the lead singer of Live came out wearing a lightning bolt shirt. The exact lightning bolt of our tattoos. I could barely watch him because he was bald and charismatic and wearing a lightning bolt shirt. I loved it! It felt like a sign.

2. Second story: Sally, Brian's mom, called me Tuesday evening and was on her way to the emergency room because Roger, her husband, had a seizure caused by low blood sugar. While there tons of nurses, paramedics, and doctors came in and out of the room.  By the time I got there Roger was back to his normal self and eating a sandwich and making corny jokes about seizures. The last nurse in the room came in and made a joke about Roger and his beautiful wife that he couldn't stop talking about before we got there. This nurse was so kind and sweet. During the 10 minute interaction in his room, she learned that Brian had died. A few minutes after finding out, after a few more jokes with Rog, she looked over and said, "You're an amazing person to still be so involved with this family." To me it's like DUH of course I am, but it was sweet of her to say.  As I am waiting in the hall for Roger to get reading to leave, she comes out of his room and gives me a hug. Not just any hug. Like the hugest squeeze and she doesn't let go.  I calmly said, you are going to make me cry. To which she says, "This is me loving the person you are. Loving your soul and recognizing the good person you are."  So naturally I bawled my eyes out when I got in the car, but again I feel like it was a sign or a Brian hug or whatever! I wish I knew her name or could thank her. She truly touched me.


I am thankful for these signs especially when my heart feels so emotional and the week is so hard. I also now REALLY wish I could peek into heaven. I am beyond thankful for our village. I am thankful for people who say the right things at just the right time. I am so thankful my parents live here and Tori jumps in to help without even being asked.   I am thankful for Pastor Larry. Although it's sad, I am appreciative of my experience with death and being able to help as much as I can in a situation that is just so hard. Send all the love and prayers.