Entry 49: Eleven Months

Looking back at my one line a day journal from a year ago is ridiculously tough. It was the beginning of the end. I can see my fear and pain and frustration in just those few lines jotted daily. I cannot

believe 11 months have passed. I know I say it every month, but it is so true. How can he not be here for that long?!  What is amazing is that with little intentional effort on my part, he is here with us everyday!  Every time Harper hears Olaf's voice in a song, she says, "That reminds me of Daddy."  So the money spent on ridiculous XXL Olaf shirts from Kohls was worth it because she remembers all on her own.  Daddy went nuts over anything she even showed a little interest in. So when she liked Frozen, it is like it threw up all over our house because he always came home with surprises. I love that these memories are 100% hers and she brings them up all on her own. She truly is an incredible gift. I felt a longing to go visit his grave this week. I told Harper on the way to the gym that afterwards I would like to go see him. You know what she says? She points to the ground and says,
"Daddy is there...and there....and there!" I said, "Really?" She says, "No, but wouldn't it be cool if he had a button in his box so he could zoom around and always be with us? That would be cool."  I mean seriously?!??!?!? Her brain is amazing and her heart is even more incredible.


Also I know I always say this every month too, but I am continuously overwhelmed but the kindness of others. I already shared it on Instagram but I am sharing it here too. I have not talked to my sorority sister in over 10 years, but I do keep up with her life on Facebook and vice versa. The most incredible gift arrived in the mail yesterday. Here is what the card said, "Last year I lived in Madagascar and worked at a children's home for over 140 abandoned kiddos.  When I read online about your family, we as a small group started praying for you, Brian and Harper. Let me tell you, these little Malagasy girls know how to pray.  They would weekly ask for updates. When I told them Brian has passed away, they wanted to keep praying for you and Harper. Each one of them knows what it looks like to lose a father, it may look different for every girl, but they  One thing I loved most,

know the pain. The doll is a traditional little girl doll for Madagascar. My small group wanted Harper to have it. I have a picture I will send you of all of them surrounding and laying hands on it. Their praters were that your daughter would feel the comfort of the Heavenly Father every time she missed her Dad."
other than the complete and utter impact of these children caring so much about our lives from halfway around the world, is the tenderness in which Harper hugged the doll. If you know Harper's hugs, you know they involved gritted teeth and force. So to see her gently handle the doll as I explained the story was touching. She also lined it right up with her nativity scene and demanded I take a picture.

When I talk about kindness never ceasing I truly mean it. Even though no one has fessed up to leaving the gift, Harper would prefer to open her 12 days of Christmas bag containing a piece of the Christmas story than open her Disney calendar countdown that contains a toy.  Mary, Joseph, and the shepherd are often galavanting around the doll house traveling on the back of Dumbo as she sings, "This is the way to Bethlehem" which is song she had to have learned at school.


Packages and mail arrive daily. Keeping up with the thank you notes that I so strongly want to write in order to convey how happy the kindness makes my heart gets added to my to do list. I want to make sure people know how much it means to me even if it takes a while for me to actually check it off my list. A friend of mine shared this article with me, https://johnpavlovitz.com/2017/01/05/the-grieving-need-you-most-after-the-funeral/?utm_campaign=coschedule&utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=John+Pavlovitz and it rings so true! But my situation is different. It says many people show up for the grieving person but then after the funeral fade away.  In my case it just isn't true. The kindness and support from everyone, my closest friends to people who didn't even know Brian, continues to pour in. I love the parts that says, "We all carry the grief as bravely and completely as we can in public, but none of us are strong

enough to shoulder it alone. People often say of a grieving person, 'They're so strong', but they're not. They're doing what they have to in order to survive. They need you to come along side of them."I may be perceived as strong, however there are constantly people alongside me who are stronger and are holding me up.

This season is hard. One because it was Brian's favorite. Two because it is probably the biggest first without him. Three because I feel like I am not the same Karen.  I feel like the water is at nose level and every once in a while I peep my lips above the water to get a breath. I am not drowning in grief, it's more that I want to be as good as I was before. I want to have it all together. I like to get things done early and do them well.  I like to be on top of it. Although it may still seem that was on the outside, I feel like I am barely keeping up. I know I need to pump the brakes on the social scene but that's also what brings me joy. I know there is something here about balance and my friend Jen suggested a book that I should've probably purchased when she told me about it.  Still need to get that. Must be on a list somewhere. This season is also hard because it is joyous. I mean our baby is in love with Jesus, with very little teaching on my part. What more could I ask for?

But this time is tough. It's tough to remember last year wondering if it was going to be the last and at the same time grasping onto the fact that this is the first without. He would be totally in love with Harper and her antics. He would love to see her face Christmas morning. He would enjoy this. And I would be enjoying it right along side him.

So all this to say, holy crap! 11 months! Seriously? And to also say, thank you. Thank you for being there....still. I know I have said it before but when we first got cancer and people wanted to do kind things, I would tell them to wait until we really needed it. No one waited. I remember thinking, this is going to wear off. It won't be new anymore and people will unintentionally not be thinking about it. Or will be sick of the saga. This NEVER happened. And although in many cases, people feel this way after losing someone, I am so fortunate and blessed that I have not been abandoned and have no fear of being forgotten about. Thank you for being there right alongside me as I tread water in this season. I love you all....well except Victor.