Entry 60: August 27th

So on August 27, 2013, Brian and I anxiously awaited our ultrasound where the tech would slip the result into an envelope that we would pass to our friend who was making fortune cookies for our gender reveal party a few days later.

Well August 27, 2018, at 2:30 I found out I am not pregnant.

You may be saying WHAT?!?!  Well let me go back. When we were originally entering the cancer diagnosis and everything it entailed, Brian and I knew we wanted more babies. We told this to Dr. B, our oncologist.  Harper was 10 months old and she was amazing and we knew we wanted more. So before starting chemo we met with a fertility clinic and made arrangements so that could be a future possibility.  A few times in 2015/2016 we tried some simpler attempts to get pregnant. They were unsuccessful.  Fast forward to 2016. We were in the middle of our cancer treatments, brain surgery was behind us, Brian was feeling good after whole brain radiation, and we didn't want cancer to hold us back so Brian and I decided to go ahead with a full IVF plan. We harvested eggs, made embryos, the whole thing. After an embryo transfer, we waited and prayed and hoped and unfortunately it didn't work. We were crushed and bummed but also super thankful for our Harper girl, that we had without a problem.  We knew we had one embryo left and could try again when our hearts had healed.  Looking back, I would've been 6 months pregnant when Brian died. I cannot imagine how much harder that would've made it for him or how much harder it would've made my grief.

When Brian was nearing the end, we had many deep discussions. One was that if anything happened to him, I was to use the last embryo to give Harper a sibling.  When he died I told myself I would wait a year before making any big decisions.  Well in May I decided to go meet with the doctors to discuss possibilities of trying with the last embryo. I told basically no one. It is super hard for me to keep a secret but I thought an announcement if it were positive would be amazingly fun and joyous, I also knew a lot of people would have many opinions about this because it is so unconventional. But also once you are pregnant no one can be mad about a baby no matter what their previous thoughts or feelings were. So I did it! I met with the doctors, started the meds, gave myself shots in the rear end. On August 17th, with lots of prayers and a whole lotta hope, I transferred that last little Brian and Karen embryo.

So yesterday, August 27th, at 7:15, I went in for the blood test. They said they would call between 2-4 with results. I remained super hopeful and got my hopes up a little too high. I mean maybe I was thinking of names and redesigning my guest room in my head, but I knew there was a good chance it wouldn't work. They grade embryos and if my first ones I used were an A, this one was a C.  People get pregnant from C embryos so it wasn't a waste, but I knew there was a chance of it not working. So at 2:30 my phone rang. Unfortunately the test was negative.

Of course I am sad, well crushed, well maybe even devastated. I went to counseling before making this decision. I discussed the potential grief reopening, or the feeling of another loss.  It was all worth it to me. I am sad that Harper doesn't get the sibling Brian and I had hoped for. It is just another reminder of the loss of the future life Brian and I thought we had together. Am I sad I attempted it? NO! Not at all. I would do it all over again.

I do believe God is protecting me from something. This obviously wasn't meant to be. Whether something was wrong with the embryo or something is yet to come along. I hope a year from now looking back, I will see the big picture. Like I said, the first time I would've been super pregnant when Brian died, so maybe this has its reasons too for not working out.

Things I am thankful for in all this sadness:

1. I had to stop working out to give the embryo the best chance. So for 20 days straight I couldn't go to my happy place. This severely effected my emotions, or maybe it was all the hormones I was pumping into my body. Nevertheless, I am so thankful for a place that does so much for both my physical and mental health. A place where you can't just fall off the radar. People are wondering where you are. Asking if you're okay. About to send out intervention groups to make sure you didn't fall off a cliff. It made keeping a secret hard but also made me feel loved and cared for. I got to work out yesterday because the news wasn't good and therefore have amazingly sore muscles today and it feels so good.

2. My Harper girl. I am so thankful that Brian and I were able to have Harper naturally without issue. I know so many people who struggle with fertility and my heart truly goes out to them. Not only is it an expense, the disappointment is even harder when you've paid good money and put in so much energy to hope for a baby. I love Harper. She is my perfect piece of Brian that is here in the physical form. Although I couldn't tell her why I was sad yesterday, she gave me extra kisses and love. She brings me joy regularly. She is amazing and I am so thankful she made me a mom.

3. Kathy Pyle, my reading specialist, mentor and friend, brought me just because sunshiny sunflowers and gerber daisies yesterday. She didn't know how much I would need the reminder of happiness. She does this random flower gifting often and I love it! I am thankful for Kathy's kindness.

4. The support I continue to receive always. I knew without a doubt that if I were to have another baby it was possible. The baby would know love. The baby would have my village. I would be supported by those around me. I wouldn't be in a lonely, impossible place. How lucky am I to know wholeheartedly that I would be supported and being a single mom of two would've been doable because of those around me.

Again I don't type these blogs for pity. I type them to show the journey of grief and because selfishly they help me deal with my emotions and feel better.  Although I am sad for the loss of what this could've been, I am reminded to be so thankful for what I have.