Entry 58: Another loss

Unfortunately today, our family faced another loss. Roger, Brian's step-dad passed away last night in his sleep most likely from diabetes complications. I am heartbroken. I will miss the man who had a corny joke for every topic imaginable.  This all makes me just want Brian. I am so sad for Sally. We are spending the weekend together but I cannot imagine the amount of loss and grief she feels. Its unfathomable. I am sad because Brian would know what to say or do or even if he didn't both Sally and I would feel better with him here. I am sad because Sally should not have to deal with loss so close together. I am sad because I want to do and fix all things and know I can't.  I am sad because again I will have to explain to Harper the loss of her Papa Rog (she doesn't know yet because I want to tell her in person). Rog was always good for a good laugh, making the best faces in pictures, professing his love for Sally, and enjoying a meal out together.

This week also comes with two more stories:

1. First story: Last Saturday night I went to the Live/Counting Crows concert.  It was a last minute decision so no one could go with me, so I brought Harper.  Brian got me hooked on Counting Crows but would never take me to a concert because he said they weren't great in concert.  Well I went anyways. And I cried! At a rock concert I cried. Because as I sat there with my daughter at a concert that Brian should be at with us, the lead singer of Live came out wearing a lightning bolt shirt. The exact lightning bolt of our tattoos. I could barely watch him because he was bald and charismatic and wearing a lightning bolt shirt. I loved it! It felt like a sign.

2. Second story: Sally, Brian's mom, called me Tuesday evening and was on her way to the emergency room because Roger, her husband, had a seizure caused by low blood sugar. While there tons of nurses, paramedics, and doctors came in and out of the room.  By the time I got there Roger was back to his normal self and eating a sandwich and making corny jokes about seizures. The last nurse in the room came in and made a joke about Roger and his beautiful wife that he couldn't stop talking about before we got there. This nurse was so kind and sweet. During the 10 minute interaction in his room, she learned that Brian had died. A few minutes after finding out, after a few more jokes with Rog, she looked over and said, "You're an amazing person to still be so involved with this family." To me it's like DUH of course I am, but it was sweet of her to say.  As I am waiting in the hall for Roger to get reading to leave, she comes out of his room and gives me a hug. Not just any hug. Like the hugest squeeze and she doesn't let go.  I calmly said, you are going to make me cry. To which she says, "This is me loving the person you are. Loving your soul and recognizing the good person you are."  So naturally I bawled my eyes out when I got in the car, but again I feel like it was a sign or a Brian hug or whatever! I wish I knew her name or could thank her. She truly touched me.


I am thankful for these signs especially when my heart feels so emotional and the week is so hard. I also now REALLY wish I could peek into heaven. I am beyond thankful for our village. I am thankful for people who say the right things at just the right time. I am so thankful my parents live here and Tori jumps in to help without even being asked.   I am thankful for Pastor Larry. Although it's sad, I am appreciative of my experience with death and being able to help as much as I can in a situation that is just so hard. Send all the love and prayers.