Entry 42: Eight Months

As I was riding in the car with my besties yesterday on the way to the incredible Hiss Golden Messenger and Mumford & Sons show, a song came on, and I said this reminds me so much of Brian. My friend said, I'm sorry I will turn it off.  I was like NO WAY! Obviously my best friend was trying to be empathetic and kind by turning it off, but it made me realize how much I LOVE and appreciate being reminded of Brian.

Today marks 8 months. It still feel unimaginable that he was here and now he isn't. Yet, all the time I am reminded on him.  I love TimeHop and that fact that I take a million pictures. I love that daily I can see his face and a picture of a little moment that wasn't significant but now means so much. I am also thankful for my line a day journal that has all the minor details written down for the past 6 years. We rejoiced last year around this time because scans looked stable.

Tori stayed with us during the hurricane and she was looking at her TimeHop and from the backseat Harper yelled, "Hey! That's my Daddy!"  I just love the excitement and joy she shines when talking about him.  Today when I picked her up from school, her teacher pulled me aside and said that she had something to tell me. She said that she was discussing something and without thinking asked Harper about her Mommy and Daddy to which Harper replied something blunt and innocent like"My Daddy is dead". Just like my friend in the car, I told her teacher to please not feel bad. This is part of Harper's life. She will forever experience having to talk about her daddy even though he isn't living anymore. But it's also great because she will get those reminders too. She will get chances to say my Daddy is dead but he always made funny faces....or whatever other memory she likes to share.

The craziest part of today was sitting with Mom and Harper at Cracker Barrel and looking up and realizing at the table behind us was one of his Hospice nurses. Although that time was insanely difficult and I can remember details like it was yesterday, I couldn't recall this woman's name, but I was insanely thankful of the reminder of the amazing care, the peace that filled that room for so many days, and the sign that even if I am not trying I will always think about Brian.

Every time I see a roach I am reminded. Anything related to football and I am reminded.  Stories from the people who knew him the most and I am reminded. Harper's crazy antics when trying to avoid bed and all I can see his him, I am reminded. Harper yells randomly...A LIGHTNING BOLT FOR MY DADDY and I look over at a random scooter parked at the gym and I am reminded.

So at 8 months, my grief seems back under control. We are all settled into the new house. And most of all, I am thankful for the times I get to say...oh that reminds me of him.