Entry 17: Two Months

It is so mind blowing to me to think today is two months since Brian died.  It still feels unreal.  At night in bed, I look over at the canvas our amazing photographer sent to us and just think, "Wow, he is really not here anymore." Although I know it and feel it, it still is this weird, unreal feeling.  I get hit with random things at unexpected times.  For example, as I was teaching poetry today, an example I have used for the past three years caught me off guard.

While I slept, while I slept and the night grew colder
She would come to my room, stepping softly
And draw a blanket about my shoulder
While I slept.

While I slept, while I slept in the dark, still heat
She would come to my bedside, stepping coolly
And smooth the twisted, troubled sheet
While I slept.

Now she sleeps, sleeps under quiet rain
While nights grow warm or nights grow colder.
And I wake, and sleep, and wake again
While she sleeps.  

I know this isn't a husband and wife in the poem, but it was still a lot I could relate to.It was interesting to be able to relate to it more fully today, teach mood with real life stuff, and watch my students have empathy.

Anywho, you know I like a good list.  So here are two I put together to reflect on how I feel 2 months later.

Things I Miss or Don't Enjoy
1. Having a partner to do this amazing life with
2. Having to lock up the house at night (that is clearly a Daddy job)
3. Needing a babysitter...when Brian was alive we only used one when we went out of town for the most part
4. Not being able to call Brian or talk to him when Redskins make stupid moves (well at least I think they're stupid but Brian isn't here to confirm)
5. Wishing he had taught me the little things he only knew how to do like take the DANG cover off the drain in the shower in order to unclog it
6. Making Harper wake up every morning and seeing how she clearly misses the couch time she had when Daddy could drive her to school in the morning
7. Having to depend on people for ALL things
8. Wishing I had more of Brian's feelings written down...I know I am spoiled with his blogs but I want more!
9. Brian filling the dogs' water. Thank goodness Macy nudges the bowl so I hear when they are out.
10. I miss the medical people. They took care of us for so long and it is so weird that they aren't in our regular lives.
11. Living with my best friend and the person I wanted to do everything with.

Things I Love or Have Discovered about the "New" Life
1.  Dance parties with Harper while we cook dinner every night (thanks to the Rowe's for my Spotify and the Barnes for getting me hooked on Whole30)
2. Being more fit and eating healthy consistently
3. Harper remembering Daddy in little ways
4. TimeHop....seriously my new best friend....so thankful for the memories (Harper watched a 20 sec video of Daddy and her riding a ride at Busch Gardens. She watched it on repeat for 10 minutes. This may be why we are almost over on our data).
5. Seeing how others honor and remember Brian regularly

6. Harper crying and then saying....."I miss _________" [insert the name of a her friend, mostly Clinton or Tavin]  She realizes tears sometimes means we miss someone. Luckily she gets to see the people she misses often.
7. Realizing that I am not lonely until Harper goes to bed because she can have awesome conversations. She told me today I didn't pack her a water bottle then told me how she had to borrow a princess one. She may or may not have had her hands on her hips.
8. Realizing although it is hard and UNREAL, I will be okay
9. Knowing my village is bigger and better than ever
10. Appreciating a love that stinks this bad to lose while deepening my love for my baby

I say all this again not for sympathy, but to let you know where I am. If you were to ask me I would say I am doing well. I find happiness easily everyday. This doesn't make the pain of missing Brian less, but I am truly grateful for the life I get to live even if I am mourning a life that I lost.  Love to ALL of you!