Entry 7: Sadness is Sneaky

So week one after losing Brian, my life was jam packed and my to-do list was a mile long. I like a really good to-do list that can be checked off. People were all around and life was busy. A good kind of busy.  Now that it's week two life has settled a little more. There is more down time even though I am still chipping away at the to-do list and my best friend/mom is still here.  Now that things are slowing down however, sneaky sadness is creeping in.   For example, I can be playing in Harper's room and she is being exceptionally cute then I get sad because of what Brian is missing.    I know he is fine...more than fine where he is. But I am sad for what I am missing with him.  This makes me cry. I cry and Harper asks me are you sad? When I say yes she asks, are you a little bit happy? 

Another example, I like sorting things. I did awesome with my piles for keep, sell, donate.  I started with the garage.  Nothing had sentimental value. Shirts that had been in the attic for 5 years didn't make me sad.  A weight bench that was never used and just took up room in the garage...not attached. Tshirts...easy to decide which ones are for the quilt, which ones I could save to wear to bed, which ones I would save for Harper, and which ones didn't hold a deeper meaning to give away. No problem.  Start on the closet...BAM...sadness is there.  There is no reason to be attached to a Nautica polo, but when Brian wore it weekly to work there is more attachment.  Before you start yelling at your computer saying "KAREN, YOU ARE DOING THINGS TOO FAST!" or "SAVE ALL THE THINGS!"  rest assured I have set aside the important ones. I have saved my favorites. I am not making rash decisions. I just didn't realize sadness would be hiding in the closet. I just want someone to wear and love these clothes.

Oh another place sadness likes to sneak into is the TV! Of course This is Us makes you cry every week. But how many shows deal with relationships...all of them! How many shows revolve around families....ALL of them!  I can't stop watching TV cause then I would be thinking way too much! But man oh man! Sadness sneaks in.  Again, I don't want you to feel pity. I am so so so lucky to have had the love that is this hard to lose. I knew sadness would come. I just didn't realize how sneaky and unexpected it would be. 

There are even times when happy and sad are mixed together. In 2015, my brother gave Harper a Chewbacca Build-a-Bear that had a recording of Brian singing Edelweiss in the hand. So one morning in Hospice when I would wake up at 4:30 and think, I had the idea to record Brian's voice so Harper could make a bear after he was gone. With the help of Zak, the recording was made. "Harper, I will love you forever."  Also in Hospice my mom requested the lullaby Brian and I would sing to Harper.  I started recording myself and Brian joined in unexpectedly. I have it saved on my phone and was able to record that for the bear as well. Lastly, we sent voice messages to Harper from Hospice telling her we loved her.  So today, Harper got to pick her bear. It was adorable and not sad for her at all. She loved it and the Daddy bear is now named Bolt, or Girly, and dressed like Cinderella.  What I wasn't prepared for was laying her down for nap and then hearing Brian's voice in the baby monitor. My heart was happy and sad simultaneously.

There is also pure happiness in everyday. I am not just sitting around sad all day. Today Harper went to the doctor for her 3 year checkup. Both the nurse and the doctor were incredible and made me feel good about my parenting.  Harper makes crazy facial expressions that make me laugh.  People that do not know me go above and beyond what is expected of them to help out. I rearrange my house with the new gifts I have been given and it feels like a happy sanctuary. I sleep on Brian's side of the bed and instead of it making me sad it brings me comfort.

I know sadder days are yet to come and I have a whole lot more grieving to do.  But I will hold on to the happy and enjoy the little things.

This made me feel so good!

Thank you everyone for the support, donations, kind words, special gifts and prayers.  Again I appreciate how strong everyone thinks I am but truly I am just doing whatever feels right. I love you all!