Entry 2: The Roller Coaster

So what else was I not prepared for?

The rollercoaster of Hospice....even though I read the book.

The night we got here Brian perked up. The next two or three days (honestly who can remember?? they all run together) Brian was in and out of sleep and conversations but didn't really remember what was going on or who had come to visit.  Monday night he had a weird breathing episode that made me think it was the end. [FALSE ALARM! Brian still tricking people even towards the end and making me miss The Bachelor.]

The following day, I met with social workers and figured out how to talk to Harper.  I was sad and sad and terrified to tell her and sad. However,  that girl is amazing. After my speech about, "Some people get sick and don't get better. Most of us get sick and get better. Daddy has cancer and his body won't get better. He will die soon. He will be dead."  You know what that sweet almost three year old said to me?!  She said, "In the ground?" How the hell she knew this is beyond me.  Everyone says from TV but I am pretty darn sure they haven't been burying anyone on Peppa Pig as of late.   She even came and gave her final goodbyes. Heart crushing and heart filling at the same time.  She handled it like a champ. The amazing thing is how fully she trusts me. Gah!

Another prize today! Decals delivered from Julie Stinson!

So what does Brian do after looking like dying and final goodbyes from his daughter? RALLY!  That's right.  Thursday and Friday he put on a show!!! He was talkative even though he wasn't always understood. And let me just say, thank God for sign language. Without it we would not know what he was truly trying to communicate.  even if he was telling me it was time to break up.   He recognized and acknowledged every face that came into the room.  Even though I have been here round the clock, he accused me of sneaking in and out.  He said the nurses were exaggerating and he still said he hates Victor.  He remembered jokes from 10 years ago.  It is/was quite remarkable.

While this rally was amazing for all involved it is also so sad. I wish this was not something that was irreversible. That rally gives hope when we know the end will come.

Last night he dropped off a little again. He finally fell asleep after his two day party. He has a bit of a headache and took pain meds for the first time since being here.

He still says thank you constantly, signs I really really love you to his buds, and shows expression when he's excited about visitors like his cousins from overseas or rolls his eyes when the jokes we say aren't up to his standards.

As a control freak and someone that likes to know what to expect, I hate the roller coaster, the mixed emotions, the wild mood swings, I don't want to get off but I do but I don't.  I wouldn't trade this life with Brian for anything. I'm thankful for the peace that continues to surround him and the love that hasn't left my side.

Our friends near and far are truly incredible. I am so thankful they are on the coaster with me.  Who knew the coaster would have to be this big to fit so many?!?!

Love!