Entry 51: One Year

Making it to the year mark doesn't feel like a milestone, it feels like a loss. The loss of something great. The loss of what was supposed to be. The loss of a huge part of me. I know there's still a future and I know we will move ahead, but I do have times where I am sad for what is lost. The loss of life of an incredibly inappropriate but loving man. The loss of a son. The loss of a father. The loss of a son-in-law/brother-in-law. The loss of a best friend. The loss of my husband. The loss of future plans for more babies and more family memories. The loss of affection and the safety of a strong relationship. The loss of the one who understands me most. The loss of the person who would enjoy Harper equally as much if not more. The loss of my person. The person who made every situation more fun. Whether it was a mundane activity of grocery shopping or a trip to Disney, Brian made it more fun. This loss feels the biggest. There was also the loss of a puppy who meant so much.

But in this year of loss, there have also been so many gains. I've gained friends, like amazing life-long huge group of supportive friends. I've gained a new insight for how I want to invest in people in the same manner Brian did. I've made personal gains in the gym which make me feel awesome and have helped my mental health more than I can explain. Harper has gained incredible wisdom, empathy, and the right amount of ridiculousness. We gained a new house that instantly felt like home. We gained freedom for adventures that took us to Boston, Alabama, North Carolina, Minnesota, and presently Georgia. I have gained a greater appreciation for a love that felt so right and so necessary. I gained a need to try to fully rely on myself even if this is still a work in progress.

Photo by Brent Culbertson Photography

In 2016, over 30 of our friends spent a weekend together at a mountain house in Georgia when we thought there wasn't much time left. In 2017, these same people spent every moment with us in Hospice. This year, all of us are together again at a mountain house in Georgia once again to remember the incredible person we all lost. Brian wasn't much on "friend-mixing" well at least that was until he got sick. When he got sick all of his worlds came together. His greatest legacy is what we have here. All of these people, under one roof, who all love him so much. A sign on the wall in the kitchen says, "Things fall apart so that things can come together." Although the loss feels so big and it has impacted every one of these last 365 days, this, these people is what he left us. What bigger gain could there be?

So as we celebrate this milestone, we remember someone who was so special to so many. It's crazy to think that out of all the people here, I am one of the ones who knew him for the least amount of time. There are a lot of hurting hearts here, but also so much joy and laughter. That's what he would adding if he was here. And although this would be more fun with him, it is a perfect way to celebrate the life of Brian Timothy Newton, the 4th birthday of his baby, Harper, and Steve's birthday too. 

Entry 50: January 10ths

So today has been rough. I’ve been having physical anxiety with no real explanation. Luckily I had counseling today! Wahoo. I was describing all the things I was feeling and she kept saying how the anniversary does something to you even if it’s subconscious. She also talked about emotional memory of times in the past that might be underlying but I wasn’t really buying it. I thought she’d say, not every day is a happy day, do your job and do it well, get rid of distractions and stop trying to live in a happy bubble. The world has real things in it that are terrible and not always nice. This is not what she said at all. She said do more things that make you happy. You need to take care of yourself on the anticipation of this anniversary coming up. She again mentioned emotional memory and I blew it off.

While tonight, after having a not so happy Karen Day, I decided to take a bath with Harper because we didn’t spend a lot of time together today or yesterday. Or maybe I just miss her because all Christmas break we spent 24/7 together. I also had the great idea to let the Roomba run to clean up the sand that Harper dumped out of her shoes from the playground at school. I leave it running. I didn’t take into account that the dogs had had a longer than normal day and although I let them out before they ate, I didn’t after they ate. You can guess what happened. Poop on the Roomba!!!! I’m that person. This isn’t something you can just say...I quit! I’ll deal with it later. As I cried (because that’s the appropriate reaction when your robot eats poop) Harper kindly says, “I’m sorry mommy. Tonight is a terrible night. I’m sorry.” Then proceeded to give me a big hug! This girl knows empathy but seriously! A poopy Roomba!  So I don’t like this January 10th very much at all.

As I climbed into bed tonight to hope for a better tomorrow, I wrote in my line a day journal and read the previous years:

2015-Boys came over for the Skins game. B had another episode where he couldn’t move his toes off to the ER. Mom and dad came. Slept in the ER

This is the beginning of the time when they told us it was back with a vengeance and Brian didn’t have as long to live...which we way later learned was incorrect. But still. That’s a no good January 10th.


2016-I went to work. B stayed in bed all day. He had a fall. After being sick all day we came to the ER. Greg, Bug, Trey and Zak all came too.


After weeks of not feeling well, this was the last day Brian was home.  That thought is just so so sad. That’s a no good January 10th.

It’s sad. It’s hard stuff to remember but I think that counselor was on to something. Although these events were not specific anniversaries I have memorized, my subconscious knew or this is that emotion memory she was talking about. It’s hurts my heart. All the feelings that went into those previous January 10ths. Rough stuff.

This grief thing is wild and so so unpredictable. And from here on out I think I’ll skip January 10th (sorry if it’s your birthday). I know this too shall pass. I’m hoping to be back in my happy bubble when I wake up.