Entry 26: Four Months

A reminder in my phone this morning reminded me to take monthly pictures. This is a reminder that

Harper at 40 months! Ha!

pops up on the 22nd of every month. I haven't taken monthly pictures since Harper turned one, yet the reminder it still there that she is another month older. Now this reminder signifies something else. It is another month without Brian.  As I laid in bed trying to convince myself to shower (I am sure Brian would insert some joke about me stinky here), I reflected on what is new to share this month about how I am doing in this grief process. I was really drawing a blank. Then God helped out. SHOCKER-This time it's not about me.

This week we are surprising the students at school as a reward for their community service they have done for others.  As I was shopping with some of my coworkers in Publix, I passed a cute woman pushing her child in a cart. I knew that I knew her from somewhere but couldn't remember where so I gave her the extra big smile.  About half way down the aisle, I remembered how I knew her!  I ran back, tapped her on the shoulder, and said, "I just wanted to thank you. You may remember my crazy self from Hospice. Because of you, I knew the right things to say to my daughter during the whole process. I cannot tell you how much our chats helped me handle the situation in a way that has her doing really well at this point. So THANK YOU!"  I may have teared up and cried as I walked back to put more items in the cart and do some math to make sure we weren't overspending (I really shouldn't have been trusted with that job).  So thank you God for having me cross paths with that sweet social worker. I am so glad I got the chance to truly thank her again after four months have gone by.  I hope she could truly see and know just how crucial she was to making me say the right things and lead Harper the right way through this crazy "journey" of grief.  If that wasn't enough, as we pulled back into school, we also ran into some friends. They had just been to see Brian's grave. How sweet that other people want to visit him too. Made my heart happy to give them a hug after knowing they had just been to see him.

Last night, I also received a text from Lia. If you don't know Lia, she is amazing. She runs the Dance Troupe program at school. Their final performance is this Thursday. A student requested to sign the song, Release, by Pearl Jam. This is the lyric tattooed on Brian's arm and also the song that we let the balloons go to at Brian's grave site ceremony. If the fact that a high-schooler came up with the idea to sign a song for Brian isn't enough to give you the feel goods, Lia made a video to go with it.  She shared it with me last night. The video is absolutely incredible. It is a series of pictures of me and Brian but more importantly Brian loving on Harper. It truly captures his personality and admiration for his daughter. As the song closes out, there is Harper, standing on her Daddy's grave. GAH! When it is ready to share, I will share it.  Although this exact video won't be used for the performance because we don't want to the crowd in tears, the time and energy and thoughtfulness that went into creating it is amazing. So if you want to come with me Thursday, come on!

One more thing! My coworker/friend came into work today with a bag for Harper. The note on the bag said, "To Harper: So you have a reminder of Daddy on those trips to Disney." Inside was that pillow!
How amazing right?! Nevermind that Harper said it was a boppy used for babies and she is obsessed with her Barbies being pregnant! Isn't that gift the coolest?!

So here we are, 4 months later. I thank God for the reminders and the reflection help. Brian lives on.  Little daily reminders are there whether it be a Hospice social worker trying to shop and not get hugged by a crazo, people visiting his grave, a lightning bolt Boppy or neck pillow (depends who you ask) or a friend making a touching video.  He lives on, not because I am forcing it. Not because people feel obligated, but because he is someone worth remembering.

Entry 25: The Stone

Brian's headstone was finally installed last week.

Of course it was on the busiest day before we went out of town, so we didn't get a chance to stop by. Tonight we made it! I don't know what it is about having a stone, but I LOVE it!! I also love the experience I have with Harper each time we go to the cemetery. She talks directly to him. Tells him she loves him. Knows that it can be sad and happy at the same time. Harper was most excited because she has been wanting to step on other stones every time we visit, but I didn't think that would be too appropriate. But I know Brian would LOVE her walking on his. So when we were there tonight, while climbing all over his stone, she said, "We will always talk about Daddy forever." She fluffed his flowers in his vase and talked about how the letter T in Daddy's name is the same letter as her bestie from school.  Harper's ability to handle this situation, to really get it, and to see her process things so honestly really makes my heart feel so much better. As we were driving out she said, "I really wish I could hug him, kiss him, high five, and pinky promise him, and then he could be in his grave." Gah! Me too! Just one more time!  If you know Brian, you know he loved a pinky promise.  She has made the hug, kiss, high five and pinky promise part of our nightly routine. She added these all on her own. She takes the time to kiss 8 spots on face before giving me the final one on my lips. Her bedtime handshake makes me think of him every night and I love that her little heart is thinking of him too.

Entry 24: Words of Affirmation

Here is Brian's blog posted a year ago today. I refer to it in this post. Warning, it may cause tears. It sure did for me but I am beyond thankful to have his words as reminders:

http://illswallowpoisonuntiligrowimmune.blogspot.com/2016/05/

I have been thinking about Brian a lot more lately. Like non-stop. He is in my head. I think of memories. I think of feelings. I just think of him. It could be while I am cooking breakfast. It could be because a student who joined my class in January and never met Brian asks to see a picture of him. It could be for no reason at all. He is on my mind more now than immediately after he died. Like WAY more.  I don't know if it is because life slowed down, or my routine is more predictable, or if that's just what three months later looks like.  All I know is there he is. On my mind and in my heart way more consistently than he was a month ago.

In Brian's blog a year ago today, he talks about feeling the best he's felt in a while. He also talks about how taking hold of his nutrition makes him feel. I can totally relate. I cheated one day on my Whole30 (now Whole80 something). I think I have felt the negative effects all week. Insane. In this blog Brian states, "Whatever I have learned, whatever I have accumulated in this life, and of course model love to her mother as I want her to expect when she is loved one day-all have to be communicated to her from me."  These words touch me so much more now that they did a year ago.  I want to scream to Brian, "YOU WERE SUCCESSFUL!"  Clearly, Brian and I must have used words of affirmation as our love language to Harper because our three year old affirms me daily.  She comments on my outfits. Out of no where she tells me I am her best friend and that she loves me most. She talks about Daddy nonstop. She has said some crazy things like he was shot or that he ate too much candy and became sick and died.  These comments lead to amazing conversations with a three year old.  But more importantly, she talks about why she loves Daddy. She talks about how much he loved her. She knows. I was worried and sad for her being only three and wondering if she would remember him truly. She does! She even talked about going to lay with Daddy in his bed (at Hospice).  During that time it was hard for me to know what the right thing to do was as far as her visiting Hospice. Not only was I dealing with my emotions but then I had to ask myself, do you let your daughter see a dying person at such a young age?  The answer is YES! Thank goodness the counselors at Hospice, my friends, and my mommy instincts led me to that decision. I am so thankful she has those memories of him in the end. So to Brian I would say, she has seen your love modeled. She continues to model it to others. She tells people they are beautiful. She even compliments me in the shower (super strange but loving!).  I can't wait to see how she models Brian's love going forward.  Harper, the affirm-er, the person making people feel special just like her Daddy did.

Now the second part of the blog that made me a total ball of tears was when he says, "I wasn't born to be a football player for the Redskins. I wasn't born to teach. I wasn't born to do my current job. I was born to be a father. Harper's father. For the rest of her life."  UGH! Yes! Yes! Yes!  And this is why I miss him so. He is the only person who will ever be her Daddy.  The only person that will ever get it.  I want to talk to him about her. I was his pride to swell when he sees how good and helpful she is. I want him to laugh when she holds up only her middle finger to show her boo-boo.  Forever he will be her Daddy and she will know him.
These pictures are from this exact date last year.  What I wouldn't give to be able to sit across the table from him tonight and see his handsome face.